Cole Chronicles
by chrisfanatic3
Summary: Modern daygirls get sucked into their favorite T.V. show and have fun Cole Hunting along with the hurting and embarassing of some other charachters most people don't like Dan, Barbus, Zankou, Gideon, ect.We bring back big Chris and Wyatt.
1. Magic mirror and shiny things

**A/N: We don't own any part of charmed. **

**Cole bashing badwagon**

**Co-authored by Piperleoforever21 and some parts by phantom creedy lover**

**There is some Piper/Leo fluff in here**

**So here is a modern day when some girls meet the cast of their favorite show and movie:**

**Summary: here is when you don't like Cole very much and you feel like torturing him. Cole isn't exactly on the top of my list for hurting Phoebe.**

Piper: where did you come from?

Sam: I dunno

Sarah: one minute we were watching charmed and then we were here

Sam: oh well where's Cole? I wanna wreak havoc

Piper: Um… he's in there with phoebe. Pulling the stalking thing. Go and give it Ur best shot

Sarah: okay Pat

Piper:……….

Sam: ignore that

Piper: okay back to kicking Cole's butt

Sam: yeah lets go. I was thinking we could set a wendigo to eat him

Piper: okay well we'll do both. The more pain the more happy I am

Sam: yay Cole hunting! Cole hunting! Ohhhh I hate that demon

Cole: (appears out of no where) I AM NOT A DEMON

Sam: (takes out easy button) " that was easy"

Cole: what was easy?

Sam: Cole hunting'!

Cole: Cole huntinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggg (Sam, Piper and Sarah chase him and Piper is trying to blow him up with her blowing up power) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I AM NOT A DEMON ANYMORE (points to an appeared obi-wan kenobi) HE IS!

Piper: That's obi-wan kenobi moron! He's not a demon

Cole: Okay (points to an appeared Frodo) Ok HE IS

Piper: we can stand here all day buster blaming demon on these innocent people but I am still gonna vanquish you or hurt you which ever first

Cole: (makes an unknown to him character appear)(they are really Zeus and Apollo) how about these guuuuuuuuuuyyyyyssss ahhhhhhhhhhhh nice doggies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh (runs around in circles as the Dobermans are biting his butt) are you guys sure that one of these isn't Prue?

(Harry Potter appears)

Harry: anyone interested in beating someone up?

Piper: yeah yeah yeah (like a puppy dog Sam follows)

Harry: how about Voldemort

Piper: that wimp? No problem,

(Sam and Piper disappear)

(Back in 1 hour with voldemort by his ear)

Piper: AND YOU WILL BE NICE FROM NOW ON RIGHT?

Voldemort: Yes now please don't blow me up Pepper…or was it Peeper… Popper…Piper? No that's not it…Pier?"

Leo: ( winces)

Piper (blows him up) ITS PIPER GET IT RIGHT!

Harry: yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ginny he's dead! Now we can be in love like we want to.

Ginny: thank you kind one!

Piper: just doing my job. He actually bowed down to me in the process. We could have actually sent a Wendigo on him and that would have been funnier.

Cole: heyyyyyyy the Dobermans are attacking me and this girl here… from what I get her name is Sarah is attacking me with a frying pan. There is nothing worse than a frying pan.

Sam: Yeah? Wanna bet? Oh heather!

(Heather appears with a hammer)

Sam: go for it

Heather: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA COLE HUNTING

Cole: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (screams like a girl)

Paige:(comes in) he screams like a girl

Sam: and I will add come on Bffls it's frying pan- hammer-baseball bat time!

Cole: not a baseball bat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam: how about a chain saw?

Cole: ill take the baseball bat

Sam: Johnny tell him what hes won!

Johnny: you've won a frying pan-hammer-baseball bat-chainsaw-and added bonus a baseball and Catherine and her rocker launcher

Sam: drum roll please

Phoebe: (comes out) sure (beats on an appeared drum)

Sam: and GO (they chase Cole with a frying pan, hammer, and a baseball bat)

Cole: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Piper: music to my ears

Sam: wait why aren't I laughing? Muahhaaahahahahahahahaha

Sarah: (whips out her frying pan's companion) spatula time!

Cole: spatulas don't hurt

Sarah: how about a weed waker?

Catherine: or my rocket launcher?

Cole: nope

Sarah: Wanna try it out (hands it to Sam) do your best and make sure he gets hurt

Sam: oh hes going to be a lot more than hurt. I have plans for him! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA cough cough

(Gives chase as Cole runs stupidly in circles.)

Sam: this should be easy

Piper: can I help?

Sam: yeah try to blow him up…. It may not work…. but it hurts…the more pain…. the more satisfying

Cole: so you'll leave me alone after this?

Sam: I _never_ said_ that_

Cole: well you can't defeat me

Sam: oh and why is that?

Cole: cause I am the almighty Belthazar!

Sam: (rolls eyes) yeah yeah yeah

Catherine: and I'm the wife of Orlando Bloom. Mighty? HA!

Cole: and I will not get hurt and I will not loose focus on keeping my eyes on you. I will not move from this spot…(ice-cream man song comes from outside) Ice cream man! (Runs out the door) Fudgey Buddy here I come!

Sam: that's an idea! He can get sucked into the Nothing!

Piper: and the ice cream man can do that. I like the way you think

Cole: (comes back twenty minutes later) That was cold! I shoulda brought my skis!

Heather: who wants to play school?

Cole: not me! I flunked the first time. Wearing a tutu.

Piper: a tutu?

Sam: meet your teacher Miss Lizzy

Lizzy: (comes in with a wooden ruler taping it against her hand with a tight bun in her hair.) Who wants to _LEARN_?

Cole: ummm…

Lizzy: okay I have a riddle Cole. An electric train is going north at 20 mph the wind is blowing east at 5mph which way is the trains smoke blowing?

Cole: um lets see 20 miles north then east so northeast?

Little Wyatt: (whispers to Piper) mommy don't ewetric twains have no smoke?

Lizzy: no Cole not _northeast_!

Cole: (goes through all directions and Lizzy shakes her head no each time. Finally she hits him over the head with her ruler)

Wyatt: it's an electric train stupid! No smoke!

Piper: he's five and he knew that. You must be really stupid!

Cole: I am not stupid!

Piper: Chris, honey which way would the smoke blow?

Chris: no smoke ewectric twain!

Piper: and he's only three!

Cole: Still I am not stupid!

Piper: yeah okay tutu boy!

Cole: I do not wear tutus!

Sam: yeah then why are you wearing one now?

Cole: (looks down) what the?

Wyatt: Cole funny in a tutu! I'm a genius! I put tutu on Cole!

Sam: smart kid you got there Piper

Piper: thanks so back to hurting Cole! How about a banshee or a witch doctor.

Sam: a banshee

Lizzy: no how about a fury that hurts way worse!

Sarah: (bangs head against wall)

Chris: (adult) your gonna get a headache that way kid

Lizzy: is that who I think it is?

Sam: wha? Oh yeah you're obsessed

Chris: whose she?

Sam: Lizzy

Chris: hi Lizzy

Lizzy: oh my gosh he _knows_ my name!

Sam: I still say Banshee

Sarah: (bangs head against wall again)

Sam: Banshee

Lizzy: Fury

Sam: Banshee

Lizzy: Fury

Sam: Banshee

Lizzy: Fury

Sam: Banshee

Lizzy: Fury

(Five hours later)

Sam: Banshee

Lizzy: Fury

Sam: Banshee

Lizzy: Fury

Chris: (bangs head against wall) how about both!

Sam: good idea!

Lizzy: YEAH! You're a genius heee

Piper: (wakes up) what'd I miss?

Sam: we're going after Cole with a Banshee and a Fury!

Piper: Cool I can tag along and try to blow him up

Cole: what's going on?

Phoebe: (smirks) he he he's a moron

Sam: alright Johnny tell him what he's won

Johnny: you've won…

Phoebe: wait where is that voice coming from? (Looks around)

Sam: shut up

Johnny: may I continue?

Sam and Piper: go on

Johnny: a shiny new sports car.

Cole: really?

Johnny: no! I was just kidding! I like to add humor to my announcements. But you Cole have won a Banshee and a Fury!

Phoebe: still don't know where that voice is coming from

Catherine: it'll be coming from my rocket launcher if you don't shut up!

Cole: uhh a Banshee and a Fury…. to kill them?( points to everyone else)

Johnny: oh my god is he blonde?

Piper: actually I think he is. Cole is known for his stupidity. Actually as of post-phoebe love relationship.

Leo: seems to be

Phoebe: I agree

Paige: me too.

Lizzy: hey that's insulting I'm a blonde and I'm the smartest person in my class. There are two types of blonde's dumb blonde and natural blonde I'm a natural blonde Cole here (gestures towards Cole) is a dumb blonde. So shut the fuck up and if i hear anyone saying anything like that again and i swear i'll kick their ass.

Chris: okay they're sorry they probably didn't know sometimes they are dumb blondes too. Right guys

All: yeah, uhh we're sorry (as if not really meaning it.)

Chris: feel better?

Lizzy: yeah thanks

Johnny: guys just go!

(The banshee and furies appear and chase Cole. Piper follows and tries to blow him up.)

Cole: Ahhhhh

Piper: Muahhhahahahahah

Sam: why aren't I laughing? Muahahhahahahahahahaha!

Paige: nice evil laugh

Sam: (smirks) thanks, I'm flattered.

Sarah: (bangs head against wall)

Sam: okay lets see what's going on here (investigates scene) ooh Cole is cringing. Banshee's yelling. Piper flicking her finger (winces) Cole runs into tree.

Phoebe: who cares? A car just hit him! A _shiny_ new sports car! (Smiles)

Lizzy: _shiny_

Sam: proving once again Cole is stupid, cause that's a parked car!

Phoebe: but that would mean he just ran into it.

Sam: whose side are you on?

Phoebe: Yours master

Sam: good! (Turns to Piper) crazy!

Piper: (heard distantly) yeah! Head! Ten points! (Frowns as she sees banshee hitting Cole over the head) hey banshee that's my job!

Catherine: ohh I like that game can I play?

Banshee: (screams)

Lizzy: you call that a scream? That was pathetic! Check this. ( Screams so loud a window cracks)

Piper: watch the windows. We're not made of money in this house, even though the demons think otherwise.

Banshee: (screams)

Lizzy: (screams louder)

(This goes on for a while, until quite weirdly, the banshee looses her voice and runs off.)

Lizzy: Ha! Wimp. My throat isn't even soar!

Sam: Lizzy! You broke my banshee! No fair!

Lizzy: she was weak. My fury is much better.

Piper: what are we in Kindergarten here?

Fury: (does what she does to stop arguing, and torture Cole.)

Cole: but that wasn't me! That was well…. okay it was me. But Brian told everyone I wear a tutu.

Everyone: YOU DO!

Cole: oh yeah! (Cringes) oh no I didn't do that! Zankou did it!

Piper: we got him so you get blamed for it, you were there! So you get damaged!

See we all win?

Catherine: its like winning a million bucks.

Cole: haven't I been damaged enough? Haven't I been (puppy dog eyes) in the past two hours?

Catherine: oh yes you have…but its fun to watch you hurt!

Lizzy: (glares at her with a smile) 1st puppy dog eyes only work for certain people like Chris

Cole: darn it!

Chris: really? It works for me? (Gives Lizzy puppy dog eyes.) Lizzy how about some of your homemade chocolate chip cookies. Pleeeaaase

Lizzy: oh okay. Orb them from my house

Piper: show off

Chris: cookies! (They appear)

Paige: Lizzy that's personal gain!

Lizzy: screw personal gain. Chris wanted cookies.

Cole: can I have some?

Lizzy: no… now where was I? Oh yeah… and second we're not even ¼ a way there…

Cole: (sighs sadly)

Lizzy: and third…I am having _way_ too much fun! Chronicles

Sam: it is fun right? (Smiles and giggles) hey! His hands are unusable right now! (Looks at Lizzy)

Lizzy: (smiles evilly and grabs all of her make up from her pocket)

Sam: this'll be fun! (Starts to put green eye shadow, mascara, eyeliners, purple lipstick on his top lip, red on the bottom, and blush. They finished off with earrings and hair accessories and a fashionable necklace)

Cole: hey! I hope no one can see this!

Sarah: don't worry! (Shows him camera and video camera)(Southern accent) I got pictures and I am recording it!

Sam: (gives Sarah a high five)

Catherine: that's my girl!

Piper: so Cole how long you been wearing tutus?

Cole: Brian put it on me when I fell asleep in class

Piper: (cackles) what grade?

Cole: umm…1st grade

Piper: hmmm (smiles) I know something funnier!

Cole: what?

Sam: Heather lighting your butt on fire!

Cole: what? (Looks behind him) ahhhh! I am on fire!

Sam: good job Heather!

Sarah: I have to say that was funny!

Piper: how about the headless horseman now?

Catherine: YEAH!

Sam: Bloody!

Catherine: YAH

Piper: exactly

Sam: and it won't kill him so ….why not!

Catherine: you're my new bestest buddy! (Hugs her)

Sam: (looks strangely at her but then smiles) Okay I'll take it.

Piper: okay the horseman is outside!

Catherine: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Laughs as Cole gets his head chopped off, but frowns as his head reconfigures with his body.)

Piper: that didn't work! It didn't hurt him enough!

Sam: yeah but at least we're doing a good job torturing him.

Piper: quips later hurting Cole torturing now!

Catherine: how about my rocket launcher

Sam: okay.

Catherine: lets go make some soup with my rocket launcer

All in room: (stare blankly at her)

Catherine: I was just being creative!

Harry: you might want a therapist to check that out

Catherine: watch it scar boy

Sam: (shocked) since when does Catherine read to know that?

Catherine: I love reading

Sam: MOMMY!

Catherine: I was just kidding!

Sam: how do I know you're not just saying that?

Catherine: (glares at her) Sam since when do I like to read? Reading is really weird Ahhhhh reading (runs around room stupidly)

Sam: (looks at Chris (adult)) are there any therapists in the future?

Catherine: heyy

Chris: yeah there is….

Sam: I GOT AN IDEA

Piper: what?

Sam: Cole can get eaten by a pack of wildebeests!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Piper: I like the way this girl thinks! I think we could be best friends!

Sam: okay well you are my new best friend then!

Catherine: and can I tag along behind the wildebeests with my rocket launcher?

Sam: yeah…why not

Catherine: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY wow too much sugar

Sarah: I'll say! I never get sugar rush!

Sam: except on Christmas when you run into walls

Sarah: hey that's only once a year!

Sam: yeah yeah yeah…

Piper: any way any ideas buddy?

Sam: I HAVE A GREAT idea! PRUJO!

Piper: I am sure we can summon Prue now and turn her into a dog again and then Cole will most likely say something offensive and she'll go after him!

Piper: Okay so we bring out the wildebeests then they get joined in with Prujo.

Sam: great!

Lizzy: on a scale from one to ten, how hurts will he be?

Sam: 20

Lizzy: AWESOME

Sam: okay so you guys go and get Prujo and get wildebeests somehow.

Piper: sounds like a plan

Cole: (comes in out of breath and scathed) Can you guys stop with this?

Sam: Okay Johnny tell him what he's won

Johnny: Cole Turner, you have won Prujo and a pack of wildebeests

Phoebe: (looks around) I still don't know where that voice is coming from

Cole: I am going to get hurt again aren't I

Sam: that is the smartest thing you have said

Cole: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Prujo: (makes her appearance and barks)

Cole: nice wait what's hr name?

Piper: That's Prue

Cole: Prue? She's a pretty dog

Paige: what did you expect?

Cole: A pit bull?

Prujo: (barks and runs and chases him as he runs in circles. She finally gets a hold of his rear end and bites it.)

Cole: (running in circles with Prue biting his butt) ahhhhh this hurts worse than the Dobermans!

Piper: good idea! Oh Zeus! Apollo!

Dobermans: (come to Piper)

Cole: Hi guys

Piper: sick him

Dobermans: (run to Cole and do the same as Prujo.)

Piper: this is real entertainment!

Sam: yeah it's better than any comedy!

Cole: THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Piper: I know that's what makes it so good.

Cole: okay so you've had your fun, now let me have peace.

Piper: NOPE (like in Lost and Bound).

Cole: but _WHY? _

Piper: Well backs to the stupidity again…wait what am I talking about…you were never smart.

Leo: Cole has never been smart since we met him.

Piper: ya have a point there.

Leo: and I have an idea to what we can have Billie do.

Piper: what?

Leo: Billie can turn him invisible so that when people come through the door it can hit him just like it fell on me when she turned me invisible.

Piper: I don't think that will hurt quite enough.

Leo: okay then, what about…instead of Billie we get…Catherine…yeah yeah…

Piper: she already hurt him…what ever it is she has to add to.

Leo: grams!

Piper: what about her?

Leo: remember she created the 'Nicolas must die spell'?

Piper: yeah…and?

Leo: well we can summon her and she can create a ' Cole must be tortured' spell!

Piper: you are smart

Sam: Leo has always been smart.

Piper: so I'll summon Grams now. (Begins to chant).

_Hear these words_

_Hear my cry_

Spirit from the other side 

_Come to me_

_I summon thee_

_Cross now the great divide_

Grams: (white lights and wind appear with Grams): hello dears

Piper: hi grams. Do you remember the 'Nicolas must die' spell?

Sarah: ANDREW!

Everyone: SHUT UP!

Sarah: What? He was nice! Well… seemed it… his face was funny

Everyone: (groan)

Grams: of coarse.

Piper: well now we need a 'Cole must be tortured' spell

Grams: yes that demon is a lot of trouble. (Wags finger at him)

Piper: so can you do it?

Grams: (thinks) _Spirits of air, forest, and sea_

_Set us of this demon free_

_Beast of hoof and beast of shell_

_Give this demon your full hell_

Cole: (whimpers in pain as sparks fly around him). OOOOOOOOO

Piper: thanks Grams. (Turns to Leo and kisses him) thanks Leo. (Kisses him again.)

Phoebe: Get a Room!

Piper: No!!! I love Leo and I can kiss him where ever and whenever I want! (Kisses him again).

Phoebe: okay but….

Paige: (warningly) Phoebe! Do I need to orb and apple into your mouth again?

Phoebe: (shakes her head)

Paige: well another slip of the mouth and I yell 'apple'! And the apple comes and then flies into your mouth!

Piper: that was quite funny when you did that the first time.

Leo: can ya do it again?

Paige: you really want me to?

Leo: yes

Paige: 'apple' (she orbs the apple into Phoebe's mouth)

Phoebe: hewyyyy (muffled because of the apple)

Leo: that was funny

Phoebe: hewyyyyy

Leo: and that's even funnier. How about we try a monkey.

Paige: I can do that! 'Monkey' (monkey orbs into Phoebe's mouth.)

Phoebe: hweeyyyyy

Piper: hey Paige if you can do that to Phoebe do you think you could do that to Cole?

Leo: how about King Kong…that'll hurt him lots!

Piper: we do that later no back to demons hurting him…how about Bloody Mary and The slasher

Phoebe: sounds like a rock band

Catherine: (death glare) shut up.

Phoebe: (summons courage and it is noticeable) I am not afraid of you!

Catherine: (bobs her head at her) (like Phoebe did to the Kazi in " Sense and Sense ability)

Phoebe: (whimpers)

Sam: laughs. Nice try Phoebes

Phoebe: I had a little piece of dust in my throat!

Catherine: (darts fakely at her again)

Phoebe: (whimpers and jumps back)

Sam: how do you do that?

Catherine: I have my ways (smiles evilly)

Sam: hey look at Cole! He still has the make up on Sarah you still getting this?

Sarah: (gestures to her video camera) Yep!

Sam: great!

Sarah: I even got when he ran into the tree a minute ago. That was great footage. Very good footage. Footage that will haunt him for the rest of his looooong demon life.

Sam: yeah well what do we do now? I mean what do we have go after him now?

Piper: how about we have the witch doctor go after him!

Sam: good plan.

Cole: (runs in) hey I am getting beaten up out there! Does any one care?

Everyone: NO!

Piper: (chants the spell that is used to summon the witch doctor. He appears)

W.D: how may I be of service to you?

Piper: yeah we found big mamma and we want you to get rid of him.

W.D: where?

Piper: (points to Cole) over there.

W.D: Big Mamma! We meet at last.

Piper: (shrieks with glee)

Cole: I am not big mamma do I look like big mamma to you?

W.D: yeah (charges at him)

Cole: (jumps into Leo's arms) ahh

Leo: (drops him)

Cole: OUCH!

Piper: oh come on Cole you have to be used to that. I mean you have been dropped on your head as a baby multiple times.

Cole: how do you know that?

Piper: women's intuition…. common sense…. (Laughs)

Cole: what are you laughing at now?

Piper: well are you impervious to the fact that you now have a princess crown on your head…and a pretty purple and pink fuzzy wand in your hand…. in addition to the tutu?

Cole: what the hell

Wyatt: teeheehee

Cole: why is the kid always picking on _me? _

Piper: take a wild guess (like in Happily Ever After when Piper is dressed as little red riding hood and she says to the evil witch " take a wild guess")

Cole: (raises hand)

Lizzy: yes Cole

Cole: may I take a tooty?

Lizzy: how bad do you have to go?

Cole: badly

Lizzy: well we're not done torturing you so hold it in.

Cole: (whimpers.) but its number two!

Lizzy: hold it in.

Cole: Its number 1!

Lizzy: (getting irritated) hold it in!

Paige: I have an idea! (Whispers into Piper's ear) maybe we can get him to lick a socket.

Piper: (smiles and nods)

Paige: hey Cole guess what?

Cole: (like a little kid on Christmas) what?

Paige: I hear if you wet your tongue and then lick a socket you get a present.

Cole: yay! (Grabs a water bottle from the side table and drinks it, then licks the socket next to the TV's socket. He gets electrocuted)

Piper: Cool.

Cole: (still being electrocuted.)

Sam: This is fun

Cole: issssss ssooommme ooonneee goooinnnggg tooo heelllppp meeee?

Piper: no

Leo: who wants popcorn?

Piper: he's getting stupider by the minute!

Leo: soon he's going to have his but out of the door.

Cole: you guys suck

Leo: one butt cheek

Cole: on ice

Leo: two butt cheeks….

Cole: suck!

Leo: my god he's got three butt cheeks!

Sarah: didn't BRC say that? (Shrugs)

Sarah: … it only works with feet…

Piper: leave my husband alone…. and honey it only works with feet.

Leo: thank you muffin.

Piper: awww he's using a pet name! How sweet.

Phoebe: its gross so stop

Catherine: (glares at her)

Phoebe: I mean…by all means…keep going….

Sarah: (sigh) Here's some names for you: cockroaches. As Captain Englehorn says (fakes a German accent) that's the thing about cockroaches. No matter how many times you flush them down the toilet, they always crawl back up the bowl

Everyone: UGH!

Sam: this is charmed/ Harry potter at some points…. not King Kong. I have to say it was a good quote.

Harry: thanks

Sam: no problem

Piper: when did we get off the subject of Cole?

Sam: I really don't know now that you mention it…I mean…he's still getting electrocuted.

Cole: YOU GUYS SUCK ON ICE

Sam: Hit him Endo

Endo: yes, mam (sticks electric cords to Cole and Cole is electrocuted 10x worse)

Sarah: that's not Endo…that's Mr. Kershawitz from down the street.

Sam: it worked on family guy

Piper: Family Guy?

Sam: animated funny show like you have a show, but its different and comical…in a weird sort of way…

Sarah: still that's Mr. Kershowitz…. how did he get here?

Endo/Mr. K.: I like charmed.

Sarah: go home Mr. Kershowitz

Endo/ Mr. K: bye (disappears)

Piper: that was very strange

Sarah: well that's Mr. Kershowitz for you

Sam: one time he knocked at my door like he was being tortured…yelling and all…and when I opened the door he said 'hi' so casually and ran.

Sarah: he did the same to me.

Piper: some people are crazy like that

Lizzy: two guys came to my house in a hula girl outfit, knocked, I answered, and he did the hula, and ran. I think one of them was Brandon.

Sam: (turns to Sarah) do you think Mr. Kershowitz could get all the way to Lindenhurst?

Sarah: I don't know, probably

Lizzy: I think he did cause when he left he got into a little clown car, and then looked like he was constipated.

Sam: did you ask why?

Lizzy: yeah, he said he was trying to orb. He then presumed to yell ' DAMN MY POWERS ARE GONE!

Paige: that's my job to orb!

Lizzy: I know, but I think he may be obsessed

Sam: yeah but I am not obsessed…. I am passionate

Sarah: (look of glee)

Sam: Oh no I am quoting National Treasure! What has this world come to?

Piper: back to hurting Cole

Sam: yes, yes…. Maybe we could send a hungry wildebeest after him

Piper: too subtle

Sam: your right, BARBAS!!!!!

Piper: That may just work! Turn his worst fears against him

Barbas: (appears) what may I do for you?

Sam: this barbas is scary! He is being way too nice.

Piper: turn his worst fears against him.

Barbas: easy squeeze lemon easy.

Sam: huh?

Barbas: character flaw of mine

Sam: just get on with it.

Babas: easy squeeze…

Piper: yeah we know 'lemon easy' get going now.

Barbas: may I point out that…?

Piper: (death glare)

Barbas: (looks at Cole and raises hand like he does on show)

Cole: (suddenly sees himself in a tutu.) (Everyone else does too) thank god none of you can see this.

Wyatt: tee hee hee

Piper: good job Wyatt! That's my boy!

Cole: you mean you can see this?

Barbas: I didn't do it. It was the kid

(Suddenly Barbas is dressed up as a fairy)

Barbas: the little!

(He gets an added bonus of a wand and make up)

Piper: don't piss the kid off, pal. He can do soooo much worse.

Barbas: like what? He's a kid

Wyatt: (orbs him to Timbuktu)

Barbas: (comes back with a tutu, fairy wings, and a wand. He has a burrito in his hand)

The kid sent me to Mexico too. Wow these burritos are good. (Winces) okay well with a price. (He runs to the bathroom)

Piper: that a boy Wyatt…. (Barbas comes back) but I think there's something missing.

Wyatt: (makes a crown orb onto Barbas' head and adds fairy pink lip gloss)

Piper: that's better…but there's still something missing from this picture.

Wyatt: (blinks and suddenly Barbas is wearing a leotard, a tutu, fairy wings, and tights. In his hand is a fairy wand, on his head is a tooth fairy crown, and his lips shine with fairy pink lip-gloss)

Piper: wonderful

Chris: mommy look it's the tooth fairy!!!!

Barbas: I AM NOT THE TOOTH FAIRY!

Wyatt: okay (blinks)

Barbas: (turns into Santa Clause) huh

Wyatt: Yay Santa!

Barbas: argh

Wyatt: (blinks again)

Cole: (turns into the Easter bunny)

Piper: Its like all holidays party! This can't get any better!

(Zankou appears)

Piper: hmm…. we don't have Cupid yet.

Wyatt: (blinks once more)

Zankou (turns into a short person with yellow hair, a white tunic, wings, and a harp) what the hell?!

Sarah: ZANKOU! (tackles him) I love you!

Piper: (ignores Sarah) very good Wyatt

Zankou: wasn't the pig enough? GET OFF!

Sarah: No!

Piper: not really…. I mean we didn't even get to see that….

Chris: (looks at Piper) please mommy

Piper: no problem! (Joins hands with Phoebe and Paige and chants the spell)

Zankou: (turns into half pig, half man)

Chris: Hehehehe thank you mommy.

Piper: my pleasure!

Wyatt: (turns Zankou back into Cupid)

Zankou: why the hell did I come here?

Piper: cause you love to dig your own grave?

Zankou: (snarls)

Phoebe: don't you just love it when he snarls?

Sarah: I do!

Zankou: (looks up) (yells) can one of you elders get me out of here?

(Gets zapped and his whole body is burnt) I take that as a no. Can't you ever be nice to me? (Gets zapped again) Ever? (Zap) Okay now I might as well be a chicken, cause I'm fried. ( gets zapped again)

Wyatt: (turns Zankou into a chicken)

Leo: I wish I had someone's ass to kick

(Dan appears out of nowhere)

Leo: ask and you shall receive.

Dan: where am I? (Looks around wildly)

Leo: (punches him)

Dan: oh no not you again.

Leo: yes me again… (Punches him again)  
Dan: Piper? Where is Piper?

Piper: what do you want?

Dan: (looks at Piper) look at you, you are so beautiful.

Leo: (punches him) that's for saying that!

Dan: what did I ever do to you?!?!

Leo: A lot

Dan: welllllll exuuuuuuseeee me (all girl like)

Leo: well you seem to be hitting on my wife

Dan: you two are married now? (Looks at Leo)

Leo: (gives him a death glare)

Dan: (runs away)

Leo: ha! I took care of him!

Sam: okay, as much as I hate that slimy son of a witch, I really think Cole needs to be beaten up some more. I mean he doesn't look that hurt to me.

Cole: (whimpers) I _am_ hurt!

Piper: **not **enough.

Sam: Cole what did we talk about being stupid?

Cole: (hangs his head) not to be

Piper: and what happens when we're stupid.

Cole: not my buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Piper: There's that stupidity again.

Cole: I didn't think it was stupid, I thought it was funny. I mean shrek, come on funny!

Piper: (rolls her eyes) Well lets get this over with, so that I can have fun hurting you.

Dan: I guess you can't hurt me, because I am not stupid, and well no one hates me (glares at Leo) except him! But he's crazy!

Leo: (glares at him, and then looks at Piper. She nods)

Sam: correction. The whole Charmed fan community hates you.

Wyatt: (blinks) Dan: (is now wearing a tutu) what the hell!

Sam: see even he hates you!

Wyatt: (blinks)

(Dan is now in a tutu, and looks like a fairy, wand, crown, and everything. Added bonus of his cleft chin having red all over it with a mixture of purple and yellow)

Leo: see I told you that cleft chin were horrible. That a boy Wyatt!

Cole: ( to babas and dan) did i mention i was the leader of the underworld? you two are wimps compared to me. Piper: goody goody gum drops. I don't care who the hell you are, all three of you are wimps!

Cole: (being smart) mirror mirror on the wall whose the biggest wimp of all?

Piper: Well Cole you're in the running then dan then barbas

Cole: (smiles)

Piper: I didn't say it was anything to be proud of!

( Magic Mirror appears)

Cole: I think I'm smart!

( Mirror glows, and Cole is sucked into a big hole)

Piper: he he that was a magic mirror, where if you lie you get sucked into it

Cole: ( reaapears) DAMN THAT MIRROR!

**A/N: Review. Thanks**

**-piperleoforever21 and Chrisfanatic3-**


	2. Gilbert and Sullivan

**A/N: we're back for a second chapter. It took longer than expected, but we've got some great ideas. Starts where last chapter left off.**

Paige: what else can we do? I can't really think of anything else unless we stun him.

Phoebe: Stun him? Well that could work, but it doesn't hurt does it?

Lizzy: Stun him. (Remembers scene)

**---------------------**

**Piper: **Everything okay?

**Paige: **Better than okay. I am gonna have a love life.

**Phoebe: **You're making a love potion?

**Paige: **No, I'm making a stun potion.

**Piper: **So, that lovers will be stunned by you?

**Paige: **No, so Kazis will be stunned by me.

**Phoebe: **You're in love with a Kazi demon?

**Paige: **Try to stay with me, people. I am making a stun potion so that I can maybe have a date that doesn't end with, "Nate, you gotta leave. I have to clean some demon guts off the ceiling."

**Phoebe: **Nate, much cuter than a Kazi demon.

(Paige hands them a vial of potion.)

**Paige: **The potion you hold in your hand is designed to stun, but not kill Kazis.

**Piper: **But I so enjoy killing them.

**Paige: **Yes, but since the Kazi king creates his demon minions out of his own body...

**Phoebe: **If we get the king, then we get the Kazis.

**Piper: **But we don't know where the king is.

**Paige: **Yes, but that's why I did the stun potion, so if we capture one of his minions, we can torture him...

**Phoebe: **Then the king will feel the pain and come in for the rescue.

**Piper: **Or the minion will break and spill his guts on the whereabouts of the king.

**Phoebe: **Mm.

**Piper: **Aha!

**Paige: **Okay, the finishing sentence thing, not cute.

**Phoebe: **We're just trying to tell you it's a good plan, an oldie, but a goodie

-----

Lizzy: I've got a plan.

Piper: and what would that plan be, exactly?

Cole: yes, please tell me so that I can avoid it.

Piper: Ahh but you can't

Cole: and why is that

Piper: because if you escape we'll find you, and kill you

Cole: (thinks about it) (says) why haven't you yet?

Piper: because it's more fun to hurt you. Duh…blonde moment

Sam: (presses red button)

Cole: (wires come up behind him and shock him) Ahh

Piper: every time you say something Blonde, you get shocked

Chris: (hits his head, and shakes his head)

Lizzy: hem hem

Sam: what is she Umbridge?

Piper: (scared) um, I mean dumb blondish moments. (Turns to Chris) You have to remind me that she's neurotic

Chris: that's me…wait did I just say that?

Piper: moving on.

Sam: (presses button. Cole gets shocked again)

Piper: nice work. what's your plan?

Lizzy: we can turn Cole into a Kazi king!

Sam: and...

Paige: how will that help? It'll make him stronger

Lizzy: Yeah but Kazi kings make minions out of their own flesh.

Sam: So ...if we turn Cole into a Kazi king, we can force him to make minions!

Lizzy: then we'll take great pleasure in the vanquish.

Sam: Cole will feel the pain of the minions getting vanquished.

Lizzy: but it still keeps Cole alive for us to torture him more.

Piper: I like the way you guys think... but how do we do it?

Lizzy: a spell. uh let's think. uh ...Powers above, and powers that be.

Chris: drawing on the power of three

Lizzy: when Cole wears this ring

Chris: turn him into a kazi king.

Phoebe: Cole will you marry me?

Cole: goody. ( takes the ring that Phoebe is now holding out. P3 says the spell. Cole turns into a KK, and a minion appears. Piper blows him up. Cole cries out in pain. Several minions appear, and each person kills several minions with various house hold items.)

Cole: ( after everyone is done having fun with hurting Cole like that) you know I know what makes you guys upset, like you're making me!

Sam: try me.

Cole: Leo almost died!

Sam: (unaffected) I'm past that. That was a stupid man's burden.

Cole: huh?

Sam: Lenny?

Cole: oh yeah.

Piper: Cole's right though….wait did I just say what I think I just said? Cole is right?

Sam: moving on

Piper: yeah, well demons know too much about us. I mean what are we in the warlock's guide to San Francisco?

Meanwhile in the underworld:

**(A/N: for this, we're going to say that demons and warlocks have made a pact and have joined forces)**

(Two demons named Gilbert and Sullivan are standing in the underworld-meeting place at a table. A warlock named Webber is with them.)

Gilbert: okay, so who has the warlock's guide to San Francisco?

Webber: (sitting on a recliner with popcorn and beer) I don't know Karl had it. All I know is that it's heavy and it has 100 pages to the Harmed Ones.

Gilbert: The charmed ones.

Webber: (burps loudly)

Gilbert: why are you sitting down? On a recliner and drinking beer no less?

Webber: what? The Elders do it!

Gilbert: And if an elder jumped off a bridge would you?

Webber: (takes a swig of beer) An Elder actually did. I think his name was Leo. Jumped to be with his wife. What a weenie.

(Sullivan shimmers in suddenly)

Sullivan: I have it, now that's witch in Portland died because of me yesterday. That's ten points! (Score board glows. Ten points is added to ' Sullivan')

Gilbert: how did you know she died?

Sullivan: It was all over the news.

Gilbert: we're in the underworld.

Sullivan: yeah, we have satellite.

Webber: duh, how else do we watch football? Speaking of killing, didn't that Charmed Fun…

Gilbert: CHARMED ONE!

Webber: whatever. The oldest one got killed, right?

Gilbert: that was four years ago, where have you been?

Webber: I don't know. Maybe Guam…or was it Timbuktu? No…it was Tahiti. I got that great tan.

Gilbert: (sighs) Do demons get tans?

Webber: Whatever. How many points did Shax get for that?

Gilbert: Five. The witch was irritating to us. Shax enjoyed doing it, so the points were less.

Webber: so if I kill a Parmesan One I get…

Gilbert and Sullivan together: CHARMED ONES!

Webber: I get five points?

Gilbert: (grabs warlock and kills him.)

Sullivan: (walks over to Gilbert, and checks under shirt collar) hmmm. Warning label proves correct. Says 'Gets irritated easily'. Nice for future reference. ' Also bipolar and a schizophrenic.'

Gilbert: where are those voices coming from?

Sullivan: okay, point also proven.

Gilbert: (suddenly okay.) So which Charmed One shall we kill today?

Sullivan: (rolls eyes) Piper?

Gilbert: I think Billie. The world could use less Bimbos. She gives me headaches. Gees, who cares about their sister that much?

Sullivan: But she's not a charmed one.

Gilbert: ah but she's a Bimbo.

Sullivan: But Piper's a bitch! She missed me by this much last week (holds up fingers barely apart)

Gilbert: or Phoebe. She's stupid.

Sullivan: Piper.

Gilbert: Phoebe

Sullivan: Piper

Gilbert: Phoebe.

(Goes on for about ten minutes)

Sullivan: how about rock paper scissors?

Gilbert: okay.

(They play)

Sullivan: so Piper it is.

Gilbert: two out of three!

Sullivan: nope. Water balloon beats fire every time. (Hands him an atheme entitled ' To kill Piper')

Gilbert: and remember, Billie is the consolation prize.

Sullivan: you do realize that if we fail, and die…there will be no consolation prize.

Gilbert: hmm, good point, then lets not get killed.

Sullivan: (rolls his eyes) smart plan.

(They shimmer to the Manor)

(Piper and Sam are still arguing with Cole)

Cole: Dan was not bad!

Sam: oh yeah, want to loose all of your teeth?

Sullivan: (appears with Gilbert) here ye here ye

Gilbert: (angrily) we're going to kill you! (Looks around the room. Sees vase filled with flowers.) Ohh pretty flowers. (Frowns) WHAT ARE THOSE VOICES?

Phoebe: I know, they told Cole he won a shiny new sports car.

Gilbert: (whiny) they've never said that to me.

Phoebe: his name is Johnny

Gilbert: mine's name is Giminey Billie Bob

Lizzy: Warning. Bipolar schitzo demon on the loose…. with a touch of ADD.

Gilbert: hey I am not; I'm just…ooh butterflies (runs towards window)

Piper: (blows him up)

(Gilbert and Sullivan end up in wasteland)

Sullivan: about not getting killed?

Gilbert: we really did try, but…hey lava! It's all red…and shiny!

Sullivan: you know if you go in there you'll get all shiny too!

Gilbert: really?

Sullivan: yeah.

Gilbert: (jumps in)

Sullivan: stupid. (Shakes his head) Finally some peace and quiet!

(Wandering demon appears)

Demon: hey, my names Swartz. I just got here…and I…hey look lava!

Sullivan: ugh not another one! (Buries his head in his hands)

Back at the manor:

Phoebe: you know what would be cool? Bowling!

Piper: sure. (Smiles at Sam.) Evil plans in order?

Sam: oh yeah.

Lizzy: I've even got my special bowling balls with secret words of wisdom tapes in it. Plus they're all pink!

**A/N: review. Next chapter should be up a.s.a.p. We're already working on the next chapter. Tell us what you thought. Tell us if you got our jokes**. 

**-whitelighterleo21 and chrisfanatic3-**


	3. Fight! Fight! Fight!

**A/N: We don't own charmed.**

Here's the next chapter:

Piper: Bowling aside, I'm still agitated from that bipolar skitzo demon, and I think I'll take it out on Cole.

Sam: I'm in

Lizzy: Yeah kinda sounds like fun.

Cole: (timidly backs into a corner)

Sam: let's think of one person Piper hates the most. I know who it is, does anyone else?

Lizzy: Piper hates a lot of people.

Piper: it's true, it's true.

Sam: no, she really pissed you off. Come on Chris, you should know, you're as bad as her. You may even like her.

Cole: Billie?

Chris: hell no.

Sam: I'm talking about Natalie.

Piper: that bitch!

Sam: yeah, so we can get Natalie, and she can reprimand Cole about his flaws, and seriously piss him off.

Piper: as funny as that would be, that doesn't hurt him.

Sam: ah, but if he's pissed then he's weak, and if he's pissed, he'll attack her, and we get rid of her without having to look like the bad guys.

Piper: smart, so maybe we could summon her? God knows those elders made her a whitelighter again for the ' Greater Good' (uses air quotes) so, Natalie get your ass down here.

(White and blue orbs appear with Natalie. She's obviously orbed in without knowing, because she's eating a chicken leg, and staring into space)

Piper: Natalie, hi.

Natalie: (throws chicken to the side, and wipes her mouth on her sleeve) what do you want?

Piper: what's with you? Aren't you supposed to be miss-goody-two-shoes?

Natalie: it's an act, this is the real me.

Piper: nice to know, now you see that man over there (points to Cole)

Natalie: yeah.

Piper: he has some serious flaws, could you help us out?

Natalie: (suddenly changes) I aim to please. (Goes over to Cole) Shouldn't you be doing Community service for all the bad you've done? And gees falling in love with a witch? You're a demon for crying out loud, and… (Goes on a tirade)

Piper: this should be fun to watch.

Natalie: obviously Phoebe was smart, cause she dumped you.

Piper: well that's the end of her.

Cole: (throws a fireball at Natalie) She's still my pumpkin ( makes pumpkin appear from when Phoebe got turned into a pumpkin.) See I made a new one! Every night I pretend it's her and….

Piper: Okaaaaayyyy I'm going to stop you right there.

Cole: I was going to say that I kiss it good night.

Piper: still creepy

Cole: and attempt to…

Piper: enough.

Cole: seriously it's hard.

Piper: not something I needed to know. Moving on. Natalie's gone! We should have a party. Paige?

Paige: (party balloons and hats, and noise makers appear in orbs)

Piper: (throws on party hat, blows on noise maker, and throws balloons) (They disappear) Okay, so done with that. Gee, I wonder what's going on in the underworld? I know Cole can't find out, cause we've got a lot of more torturing to do.

(In the underworld)

Sullivan: (sitting in part of underworld, going through DGSF)

Gilbert: (appears) Hi!

Sullivan: I though I got rid of you!

Gilbert: I'm back, so…what ya doin?

Sullivan: (mutters) about to have serious anger problems (says out loud) leafing through the DGSF.

Gilbert: (seems to be in a dream like stage)

Sullivan: what do you want from me, or are you wasting my time?

Gilbert: sorry, zoned out. I see fairies in your future.

Sullivan: you're a seer now?

Gilbert: No there's a fairy on your head.

Sullivan: for god's sake (swats it away)

Gilbert: hey that's my pet fairy!

Sullivan: get her out of my hair!

Gilbert: you don't have any hair!

Sullivan: figure of speech! I meant get her out of my way.

Gilbert: oh, well here Tink.

Sullivan: Tink?

Gilbert: yeah, it worked in Peter Pan.

Sullivan: You watch way too much TV.

Gilbert: want to go see what the Halliwells are doing?

Sullivan: why not.

(They shimmer into the manor, where Phoebe and Cole are arguing)

Phoebe: my balls are bigger than yours!

Cole: No! Mine are. I'm a man, so I obviously win.

Sullivan: and I thought my day was weird before. A woman who thinks she has balls. I really shouldn't assume she doesn't.

Phoebe: (holds up two tennis balls, and Cole holds up his two ping pong balls) See?

Gilbert: and you shouldn't assume in a dirty manner.

Sullivan: shut up!

Piper: Oh no, you two again? I thought I got rid of you guys!

Gilbert: the lava was pretty and made me shiny, but I survived anyway. A nice demon helped me out. He was the lava demon, and he sent me back cause he said I was too annoying for him. Wasn't he nice?

Sullivan: remind me to have a chat with him

Gilbert: (looks around weirdly)

Cole: (to Sullivan) what's his problem?

Sullivan: well he is a 'special' demon. We don't try to think about it much.

Gilbert: (turns to Cole) I hear voices, (points to Cole) and they don't like you! They say that you're weird, and they don't like you at all!

Cole: Oh yeah? Well my imaginary friend thinks you have problems.

Gilbert: my psychologist said that imaginary friends are not real. Isn't that right Nemo?

Leo: Nemo?

Gilbert: my fish duh! He's right here.

Leo: there's nothing there, and besides fish can't survive without water…. or talk

Gilbert: Yeah, sure (turns to what is apparently 'Nemo) don't worry you'll always be my fishy

Sullivan: Psycho, and your fish too (mutters) that doesn't exist.

Gilbert: (covers air or 'Nemo's' ears) He has ears. Good thing I covered them!

Sullivan: Fish don't have ears. What am I saying? THERE IS NO FISH THERE!

Gilbert: who's the bipolar one now? Huh? Calm before suddenly so angry.

Sullivan: YOU DID THIS TO ME!

Everyone else: (forms a circle around them) Fight! Fight! Fight!

Paige: wait, not yet! Let me get popcorn.

Cole: we can use Dan's hair for grease.

Lizzy: ewe that's disgusting

Cole: sorry trying to be a Dan hater! DON'T JUDGE ME!

Lizzy: okaaaaaaaayyyyyyy! Moving on.

Everyone besides Gilbert and Sullivan: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Paige: (from the kitchen) Wait the popcorns not finished! (Comes back with it) Resume.

(Gilbert and Sullivan start to fight)

Gilbert: money butt!

Sullivan: (suddenly finds humorous) Was that supposed to insult me?

Gilbert: sorry, first grade dissing ability.

Sullivan: Okay, well Nemo's not real.

Paige: that's supposed to hurt him?

Gilbert: YES HE IS (Suddenly angry)

Paige: apparently so.

Gilbert: Yeah, well you're a coward!

Sullivan: yeah, okay. And Robin Hood's my brother.

(Blonde guy appears)

Guy: what do you know about_ Robin Hood_?

**A/N: well, can anyone guess who's the mystery guy? Tell us what you think, and review!**

**-whitelighterleo21 and chrisfanatic3- **


	4. Are we there yet?

**A/N: We don't own charmed.**

Piper: Who the hell are you?

Blonde Dude: I'm crushed. To think you actually don't remember me.

Phoebe: wait are you that British dude that tried to take Drake's powers?

Blonde Dude: I'd be known as the sorcerer.

Piper: ah, damn it.

Sarah: (walks past with magazine) hey blonde dude (stops) hey! You're the Sorcerer! I love you dude!

Sorcerer: What did I get myself into?

Piper: well a bowling trip. I'm going. Who's in?

Cole: well I don't really want to….

Piper: You buddy are going. (Evil smile)

Cole: (whines) Aww do I have to?

Sorcerer: is he always so whiney?

Phoebe: more of a weenie

Gilbert: Why do Sullivan and me have to go?

Piper: you don't have to.

Sullivan: great. (They shimmer out)

Cole: How come that was so easy for them?

Piper: Because they're not total idiots like you…. key words _like you _

Leo: Let's go guys.

(They go out to the car. Everyone crams into Piper's Jeep Van Cherokee. Piper starts the car)

Cole: are we there yet?

Piper: we didn't even pull out Cole. It's a thirty-minute drive.

Cole: oh

(Silence for 5 minutes)

Cole: are we there yet?

Piper: No Cole

Cole: Oh

(Silence for 2 minutes)

Cole: are we there yet?

Piper: No.

Cole: are we there yet

Lizzy: god, here we go. She's going to blow soon.

Sorcerer: this should be fun to watch!

Piper: no

Cole: are we there yet?

Piper: No (getting irritated)

Cole: are we there yet?

Piper: Nope.

(Five minutes later)

Cole: are we there yet?

Piper: AH! THAT'S IT! (Pulls over to the side of the road)

Sorcerer: This should be fun!

Piper: (gets out with Leo and opens the back door.) Get out!!

Cole: No!

Piper: (pulls him out of the car by his ear)

Sorcerer: (follows them out) This is too good not to watch

Piper: (With Leo's help, throws Cole onto the top of the car.) Phoebe, rope!

Phoebe: Yay! Is this going to be a western? (Throws the rope from the backseat to Piper)

Chris: everything to you is a western, Phoebe

Sam: I'm not even going to ask why that's there.

Chris: (takes a sip of his soda)

Piper: and the handcuffs.

Chris: (spits out soda accidentally, and coughs)

Sam: those either.

Leo: Yeah… don't.

Sam: someone got lucky in here.

(Piper and Leo slightly blush)

Chris: (breathes heavily) Too much information. I am their son. Lucky little Chris and Wyatt back there don't know why the hell their parents would need handcuffs and rope in a car. They don't know what the hell we're talking about.

Leo: (ties Cole to the car with the rope that Piper handed him)

Piper: now the handcuffs

Cole: ewe. Who knows where those have been!

Chris: sucks for him.

Piper: (handcuffs him to the top part of the car) they're nice and tight. Rope and handcuffs that should do it.

Leo: why does that sound familiar?

Chris: Ewe. Mom and Dad doing the dirty. Not something I want to think about.

Piper: yeah, well how do you think you got here?

Chris: Not something I want to know either.

Piper: If that grosses you out, then you may not want to sit in this car.

Chris: oh god

Cole: This rope smells like cheese.

Sarah: that was random

Chris: Come on its Cole.

Cole: no it really does  
Sarah: still random.

Chris: Still Cole

Lizzy: How about we put a gag on him?

Piper: good idea. Phoebe?

Sorcerer: I've got that! (Takes off his sock. It looks revolting.)

Piper: thanks. (Gags Cole with it)

Cole: (muffled) EWE! Tastes like moldy fish.

Chris: Or that could just be his breath bouncing back.

Sorcerer: No, I remember that. 1995. That was a great fishing trip. All the demons went

Cole: I didn't.

Sorcerer: Er…. You're invitation got lost in the mail.

Cole: oh.

Sorcerer: (turns to Piper and whispers) the other demons thought he'd scare all of the fish away. There was a famine in the underworld and we couldn't afford that.

Paige: demons eat?

Sorcerer: yes we do. (Loudly to Cole) some of us more than others!

Cole: are we there yet?

Piper: ugh this was useless

Cole: (starts to hack)

Piper: not completely, though.

(Everyone gets back into the car)

Piper: seat belts on.

Everyone: On.

Wyatt: You too Sorcerer!

Sorcerer: Damn kid. I'm an adult.

Piper: don't make me come back there and put it on for you

Sorcerer: yes, mummy.

(Ten minutes later or so they get to the bowling alley)

Cole: why do I have to wear these dumb shoes?

Piper: they have secret powers

Cole: really? What do they do?

Piper: I don't know that's the secret

Cole: oh.

(They get a lane and start to bowl)

Cole: (holds up a pink ball) I want this one. It's a pretty pink ball

Piper: okay, girlie.

Cole: pink is masculine

Piper: yeah okay.

Lizzy: for once I have to agree with Cole. Pink on a guy is _hot _

(Everyone looks at her)

Lizzy: what? It's true.

Sam: Yeah, it is. Hey anyone want to bet?

Piper: okay.

Lizzy: well I can't bet cause I suck at this game.

Sam: you do…(see's Lizzy glaring at her) suck. (Leans in to whisper to Lizzy) can I at least tell Piper and all the good people?

Lizzy: I'm interested in hustling Cole for all he's got. Okay, you can tell Chris and Piper.

Sam: okay. Hey Piper, Chris

(Piper and Chris come over to Sam, and they can't be heard by anyone else.) Lizzy's hustling everyone. We're giving you two the benefit of the doubt. Don't bet.

Piper: Nice idea.

Chris: I like you Lizzy:

Lizzy: (laughs weirdly, and throws back her hair.)

Piper: hey no grandchildren! I'm not even done with children yet

Chris: Yeah, worry about that after I go back to the future.

Lizzy: aw, but I'll miss you too much

Piper: what did I just say? No grandchildren!

Lizzy: (innocently) what ever gave you that idea?

Chris: yeah really. You have Bianca to worry about that.

Lizzy: (scowls) I hate Bianca!

Piper: so do I.

Sam: anyway, don't bet, and you'll be fine, okay?

(Lizzy sets up bet and beats everyone)

Lizzy: Ohh would you look at that. I beat everyone with a 270. Pay up. Fifty each.

(Cole, Phoebe, Paige, Leo, the sorcerer, and Sarah all hand her fifty dollars each)

Sarah: You hustled me!

Lizzy: (looks at her horrified) Now why would you think that?

Sarah: I like the way you work. (Hands her another fifty.) Nice Job.

Lizzy: hmm…thanks

Sarah: anytime

(Everyone goes back to bowling freely without betting)

Chris: here goes (Throws his ball. It 'Accidentally' hits Cole in the head)

Cole: OW! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Piper: Hey! (Picks him up, and throws _him_ down the lane) Yeah strike!

Cole: (comes back after a while) The gremlins back there are really mean

Sam: Uh, Cole, I don't think those were gremlins

Cole: what ever. I think I need a new ball. The last one I didn't do too well with. I think the pink made it too wimpy

Chris: talk about wimpy.

Piper: here Cole use _this _ball. It's a great ball.

Cole: (takes the ball) thanks

Piper: (turns to everyone else) It's a wisdom ball. It gives 'Pieces of advice' every time you use it.

(Everyone hears the ball say ' Once you've dotted the I's, and crossed the t's, you may do what ever you please')

Cole: what does that have to do with bowling?

Piper: I never said it said 'good' advice…or anything to do with bowling for that matter

Cole: (after a while gets irritated with the ball, and throws it) That's it! I'll use my own balls from now on!

Phoebe: You don't have any!

( We see the Sorcerer bowling)

Sorcerer: hey this is kind of fun.

(The ball bounces off of the lane, and hits Chris in the head)

Chris: That's my head you S.O.B

Piper: thank you!

Sarah: wimp

Lizzy: aw Chris are you okay?

Chris: yeah

(Cole is seen trying to destroy the ball)

Ball: You're an idiot

Cole: It cannot be destroyed!

Piper: I think we've had enough of this for one day. Let's go

Cole: But I'm having fun

Piper: Andiamo!

Cole: (suddenly robot like) Yes ma'am

Piper: Nice! Now let's go

(They all go home.)

(Back at the Manor)

Bianca: (suddenly appears) I'm here for Chris

Lizzy: back off bitch he's mine

**A/N: there's the fourth chapter. Review, and tell us what you think. We will update a.s.a.p. Or the next time we can sit down together and write a new chapter.**

**-Whitelighterleo21 and Chrisfanatic3**


	5. Movie Madness

**A/N: We don't own charmed yada yada yada…**

**Here's the next chapter of Cole Chronicles: **

Bianca: What? He's mine!

Lizzy: Wanna bet? I could kick your slutty ass any day of the week bitch!

Bianca: Bring it on! He's mine!

Chris: (stares at them wildly)

Lizzy: At least I got the brains

Bianca: Yeah well I got the body!

Lizzy: too bad it doesn't satisfy.

Bianca: At least I've done it

Lizzy: Where do you think Chris and me were last night?

Chris: Lizzy, my moms in the room.

Piper: yeah, still here.

Lizzy: (whispers to Chris) Do you want me to get rid of her or what?

Chris: carry on. I've hated her from the start. You're more my type

Lizzy: (blushes)

Bianca: Aww this is so sweet! I think I'm getting cavities!

Lizzy: You wanna to fight or what?

Bianca: bring it! (Looks at Chris and starts brushing her hair) You like me Chris right? My nice chocolate locks?

Lizzy: (rips the brush out of her hand, and some of Bianca's hair) Yeah! What ya gonna brush now?

Bianca: that hurt!

Cole: that's kind of the point

Piper: Ahh, so you can be smart?

Cole: No I've just learned.

Sarah: learn this (hits him over the head with a frying pan, and he falls to the ground) that should knock him out for a few hours.

Lizzy: Let's duel

Sorcerer: duels are fun!

Sarah: (hits him too) god, am I going to have to keep doing this?

(Lizzy walks up to Bianca and punches her in the stomach. Bianca retaliates by swinging her fist at Lizzy who easily ducks it)

Lizzy: you call that a punch bitch?

Chris: yeah, come on!

Bianca: Who's side are you on any way?

Piper: God another stupid one! What are they attracted to us? What did we ever do to deserve this?!

Chris: I'm on Lizzy side. She can kick my ass in a heartbeat.

(Lizzy then jump kicks Bianca. When she tries to get up Lizzy spin kicks her.)

(Lizzy and Bianca both pull out swords and fight left handed)

Lizzy: I know something you don't know

Piper: she knows a lot she doesn't know

Bianca: what?

Lizzy: I'm not left handed (switches to right hand)

Bianca: I know something you don't know, too.

Lizzy: what?

Bianca: I'm not left handed either (switches to right hand)

Sarah: Great, they were killing each other, now it's just a weirder version of Princess Bride. What's next, is the dragon from Never Ending Story going to burst in? No, better, why doesn't Indiana Jones burst in ranting about snakes?! (Continues her own rant with various characters coming in randomly)

(This goes on for a while with Bianca mostly making wide rash strokes and running and dodging. Lizzy has cut her a few times)

Lizzy: ok this is getting boring. Lets end this (pulls out a gun and shoots Bianca) there that was easy.

Chris: wow. Never thought I'd see the day.

Sarah: Now I know how Mal felt in Firefly. . Let's go with his approach: Lizzy put the shiny stick DOWN!

Sam: It's a gun…

Sarah: It was a stick in her mind it may work. Now, Liz, again, I trust you, and I introduced you to some of my non-Charmed fan buddies because of my theory that you're a good person, so if I'm wrong, you best shoot me, too!

Lizzy: (points gun at Sarah)

Sarah: Or we could… talk more (mutters) Yup. Now I REALLY know how he felt.

Lizzy: sorry, I was on a roll

Sarah: that's okay I think…

Sam: Anyway, we've left Cole alone for far too long

Cole: (suddenly wakes up from being knocked out) NO THE KILLER RABBIT! NICE BUNNY DOESN'T EAT ME!

Sarah: and now its Monty python, now are we going to burst into song or something?

Lizzy: (sings) And...always look on the bright side of life...  
Always look on the light side of life... If life seems jolly rotten  
There's something you've forgotten  
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.  
When you're feeling in the dumps  
Don't be silly chumps  
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...  
Always look on the light side of life...

Sarah: (glares at her)

Lizzy: sorry I couldn't help it was the perfect time like with those "that's what she said" jokes

Sarah: (storms off)

Sam: (whines) Ahh now we don't have anyone to knock Cole out

Sarah: (from somewhere else) Nice to know I'm loved!

Sam: (shakes her head) whatever now I was thinking maybe we could…. Nah that won't work

Sorcerer: now while you're thinking…. Which could take a while could I possibly use your magic box with glowing screen?

Piper: what?

Sorcerer: big shiny thing with glowing screen. I think it has that Youtube on it. Buddy of mines always on it watching 'Don't cha on it

Sarah: (pops her head in) what kind of friends do you have?

Sorcerer: (ignores her) what is it called?

Piper: a computer?

Sorcerer: That's it! May I use it to err how do the young people say it…. Surf the web I don't think I have a surf board though

Cole: (pops up) ME FIRST

(They all follow Cole into the kitchen where the computer is. Cole sits in the chair. He looks at it)

Cole: why isn't it turning on?

Piper: (pushes the monitor power button. It turns on)

Cole: magic!

Piper: No. Electricity.

Cole: (obviously not listening, turns on the internet) I'm going to check my email yes I have one. My computer is a lot less complicated.

Sam: I bet it's a less confusing one for kids.

Cole: (trying to sign in. It doesn't sign him in. Now it's on the special Spam protection screen) Lets try this again (types in code for anti-spam. It denies him) Again

(Five hours later, everyone is still there, yet Cole is still trying to sign in. Sarah is now there too, watching and amused)

Cole: AHHHH IT WON'T LOG ME IN! I'VE BEEN HERE FOR FIVE AND HALF FREAKING HOURS AND IT STILL WON'T LOG ME IN! STUPID 'ARE YOU HUMAN' CODE! OF COURSE I'M HUMAN WHAT ELSE WOULD I BE?

Sam: (to Piper) maybe it knows he's a demon

Cole: I mean come on I put it right the last five hundred and freaking fifty two times I've done this!

Sarah: Did you put your name in correctly?

Cole: (looks at the screen) …. No

Sarah: (smacks him upside the head) and you're not a human moron…. You're a demon moron!

Lizzy: I don't think he knows that yet

Sam: probably not.

Lizzy: there goes five and a half hours of my life

Cole: (they suddenly see him playing Pac man on the computer) YAY YELLOW DUDE!

Sorcerer: ooh I love that game (pushes him out of the way. Cole goes flying through the window) wow I don't know my own strength (sits down and starts playing)

Sam: I don't think he does

(A few minutes later the Sorcerer is still playing)

Sorcerer: Ohh!

Sarah: what are you doing!?

Sorcerer: trying to get the yellow thing to eat the yellow and blue things

Sarah: the yellow thing is called Pac-man you idiot! The other things are called ghosts! You don't eat them!

Sorcerer: whatever.

(A few hours later)

Sam: you're almost there! You're almost there!

Cole: (puts his hand on Sorcerer's shoulder) You can do it! Push to the side! PUSH!

Sorcerer: what am I giving birth here?

Cole: I know what that feels like….

Sam: what?

Cole: Younger years don't ask…. Demon world is mixed up man….

Sam: two more fruits and you're there man

Sorcerer: almost there… (we hear a defeat sound) (To the game) well you're a little bitch aren't you? Oh well I have one more try.

Sam: You can do it.

Cole: yeah and next time push!

Sorcerer: (punches him out of the window)

Cole: (as he flies backwards) NOT AGAIN!

Sorcerer: Oh I'm sorry I thought you said 'Punch'

Sarah: that's my boy!

Sorcerer: (shrugs and goes back to game)

(A few hours later, again, he's still playing)

Sam: almost there!

Cole: (from outside) Yeah PUSH!

Sorcerer: (throws his sword out the window without looking away from the game it apparently hit Cole)

Cole: OWW

Sarah: good aim

Sorcerer: thanks. Yeah…turn over here. Escape over here. Come on Pac man! (We hear defeat sounds) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU SON OF A BITCH! MOTHER ! YOU LOUSY PISS ASS GAME!

Sarah: he's British using American expressions we've taught him well

Sorcerer: YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT IN THE GAME INDUSTRY! I HOPE YOU BURN! YOU SON OF A-

(Everyone hears a sound. They see Young Wyatt and Chris in the door way)

Piper: (panics) shut up shut up shut up!

Sorcerer: BIT- (sees Wyatt) - BISCUIT!

Piper: I could live with that. Good save.

Sorcerer: (suddenly calm) thanks

Lizzy: you know we could use you for Cole

Sorcerer: For that I'm at your service…MUAHAHAHAHAHA

**A/N: please review. Next update will come when we can write it together. **

**Thanks for reading this chapter.**

**-whitelighterleo21, chrisfanatic3, and phantom creedy lover**


	6. Don't Call Me Jr

**A/N: We don't own charmed.**

**Here's another fun filled chapter of Cole Chronicles.**

Leo: has anyone even noticed that Cole hasn't been hurt in a while?

Sarah: he's knocked out!

Sorcerer: (cross bow appears) I can fix that!

Piper: Leo down!

Sorcerer: Relax! It's not a dark lighter arrow. I'm not that cruel.

Sarah: …anymore

Sorcerer: (shifty eyes. Makes cross bow disappear)

Leo: Anyway, I meant payback hurt.

Phoebe: that would be fun

Sorcerer: I've actually concocted a plan. This worked on my brothers and sisters all the time, even though they can't feel anything, but you get the point…

Piper: moving on

Sorcerer: okay so what we're going to need is ice, water, a hot tub, a pool, and someone with telekinesis. Oh yeah and some very strong sleeping pills. Don't worry water will wake him up

Sarah: oh lord. How the hell do you know about sleeping pills?

Sorcerer: (shifty eyes) website of .

Sam: the underworld has computers?

Sorcerer: of course. Where else would I get this awesome get up?

Sarah: Comic Con?

Sorcerer: No! .

Sarah: that explains a lot

Lizzy: would you mind moving on?

Sorcerer: yes…Erm…where was I now? Oh yeah, so we're going to mess with his nerves…literally.

Chris: what are you a 12-year-old boy?

Lizzy: shut up future boy…I'd go for, but that's just me.

Sam: she must reeealy like the plan to say that to Chris.

Lizzy: No when I say it it's in a cute and endearing way, and I like the plan.

Piper: I'll get the ice

Leo: I'll get the water

Paige: orbing a hot tub and pool now.

Sarah: I'll get the sleeping pills (grins evilly) I have my ways…but I'm not a druggie….if anyone was wondering.

Cole: (begins to be conscious again) it answers my question.

Sarah: (punches him out) mine too!

Phoebe: okay then…I'll get the rope

Sam: why do we need rope?

Phoebe: I don't know! It just sounded right!

Lizzy: I know the answer! Phoebe…in the pool…with the rope…

Piper: anyway…getting the pill in his mouth could be a project.

Sarah: (comes back and hands the pills to Piper)

(They go outside, get Cole, and Leo drags him into the house)

Piper: Here we go

Phoebe: Here we go?

Sarah: Can't resist. Must… (Twitch) quote (twitch) Joker. (Brings hand up as if conducting band) And here… we… go…!

Leo: … Nice Heath Ledger imitation…

Sarah: (grins) thank you!

Sam: moving on

Sorcerer: Yes, onto the plan 'alpha-fedichini-water-buffalo'

Sarah: should I ask?

Sam: no.

(They get all of the materials and forces pills down his throat and sets up plan)

Chris: stand back

Phoebe: this is so fun

Piper: shut up

Chris: (Tks Cole into a hot tub and then into a tub filled with ice water)

Cole: AHHH

Piper: ah, sweet satisfactory.

Cole: what the hell did you do that for?

Sorcerer: (shrugs) felt like it.

Cole: do you realize that I could die in here?

Piper: ah, so he finally gets it

Sam: I don't think he gets it, still

Piper: we've still got to hurt him

Person: Hurt whom?

(Everyone turns around to see a dirty blonde haired man)

Sarah: WY-WY! ( glomps)

Wyatt: who are you?

Sarah: Eeep!

Wyatt: okay….

Piper: Wyatt?

Wyatt: yeah. Future visits are fun

Chris: besides the lingering threat of personal gain?

Wyatt: Hey, I didn't come to save my future

Chris: I came to save you, and that was three years ago almost.

Wyatt: Hey, I'm not the stupid one!

Chris: and I am?

Wyatt: Am I the one who swallowed the marble?

Chris: I was three

Wyatt: I didn't when _I _was three

Piper: about this marble..

Chris: when I was six months old or so, I didn't conjure a dragon that nearly destroyed the whole city!

Sarah: COOL! Hey I didn't see that one! That's another reason to like you! (Tightens grip. Wyatt raises an eyebrow. Sarah backs away) sorry

Wyatt: (Looks at Chris) One! One lousy dragon, and you're going to hold it against me for my entire life!

Chris: yeah!

Wyatt: at least I'm not neurotic

Chris: That's right. I am. I don't tell people about their futures, and call Uncle Coop 'Uncle Coop' before he became Uncle Coop.

Piper: was that English?

Sarah: seriously did anyone get that?

Lizzy: I did

Chris: I have a point. I'm not the one who conjured the demon to kidnap myself.

Wyatt: I was not even two yet, and it was dad!

Chris: not entirely. When you were two, you shrunk Mom and Dad.

Wyatt: I may have shrunk them, which was for their own protection F.Y.I, but I didn't split them up _before _I was conceived.

Chris: yeah to save you!

Wyatt: and you couldn't have done that without risking your own existence?

Chris: No!

Wyatt: Then there was that time you sent Melinda to Tahiti when you were four

Chris: again with the future spilling! You're not supposed to tell them they're going to have a third kid.

Leo: we know

Piper: Surprise! (Like Cole did in ' Look who's Barking"

Cole: (walks in, still spazzing) Hey that's my signature way to say 'Surprise'!

Sarah: (fist goes up)

Cole: oh no! Not again!

Sarah: (knocks him out)

Wyatt: I like her.

Sarah: Hhehehehehehehhehe (faints)

Sorcerer: (Catches her before she falls) She's worse than the other blonde one (nods at Lizzy then drops Sarah) (to Cole) You OWE me

Chris: ANYway…when were you planning on telling us that we're going to have another sibling?

Piper: you know already

Wyatt: We mean little us.

Leo: You guys know. little you.

Wyatt: wow, we've kept our little mouths shut, cause everyone looks pretty shocked

(Looks around room to see Phoebe and Paige with their mouths open at the information)

Leo: nothing five bucks couldn't handle

Piper: can we get back to torturing Cole?

Sam: Yes, while he can't run cause he's unconscious (they look at Sarah) although if he does wake up she can't knock him out again)…So that's why Cole owes the sorcerer

Sarah: (still unconscious) David Thewlis! Stay away from my godson!

Sorcerer: I know she was random, but not that much…especially in unconscious mode…and who in the bloody hell is David Thewlis?

Sam: Harry Potter's Remus Lupin

Phoebe: Ewww…guy on guy! I didn't know she was into that

Sam: No! You idiot. Remus Lupin is from Harry Potter…a character

Phoebe: Ohh…

Piper: Anyway, I do have a plan for Cole

Sam: what is it?

Piper: Well, I thought…we're sending demons after him…. we'll bring his mother here, and she can hurt him as well as annoy the crap out of him.

Sam: you know, that's not a bad idea! (Bends down next to Sarah) Sarah wake up!

Sarah: (jolts awake) Riley, I'll go down the creepy tunnel first but I'm takin' Ian with me! … (Looks around) …Damn it.

Piper: Okay (everyone ignores that, knowing Sarah now) so we bring his mother back. I'll say the spell. (Says summoning spell)

Elizabeth: (looks around) where am I?

Piper: (Godfather like tone) We understand that you are Cole's mother…. Elizabeth Turner?

Lizzy: why did I think her name was Abigail?

Sarah: and why does she add up to Elizabeth from Pirates now with Elizabeth Turner? Oh well…

Elizabeth: (Ignores them) Yes, I am Cole's mother…where is he anyway?

Piper: He's here, and we'd like you to _reprimand _him. He's done some really bad things.

Elizabeth: Cole?

Cole: Yes, Mommy?

Elizabeth: what is it that's he's done badly.

Phoebe: well…. (Piper covers Phoebe's mouth)

Sarah: how long do you have?

Elizabeth: an eternity. I never liked him anyway, so tell me.

Piper: he fell in love with a witch

Elizabeth: HOW DARE YOU! Where is this witch?

Phoebe: that'd be me

Elizabeth: Ahh…and she's stupid looking

Phoebe: I resent that. I married a cupid didn't I?

Elizabeth: what's the capital of Albany, New York?

Phoebe: Tin Man Land?

Lizzy: She and Cole are perfect for each other

Elizabeth: HA! Albany is the capital of New York!

Phoebe: that was mean.

Elizabeth: (ignores her) Okay well since I have the power to do a lot, I want him to clean his room

Lizzy: that's it? That's your torture

Elizabeth: trust me it is!

Cole: but Mommy, I haven't cleaned it in a hundred years

Elizabeth: too bad

Cole: I like Daddy more than you

Elizabeth: good thing he's dead then.

Piper: can we come?

Elizabeth: sure. Maybe you can help.

Lizzy: Yeah, right! I barely clean my own room.

(Elizabeth teleports him to Cole's underworld room.)

Piper: (gasps when she sees it) oh my god! This room is horrible!

Sorcerer: Really (walks in ) you're not kidding. (Teleports a gas mask and puts it on) Ahh sweet air. For the love of god! My son has a cleaner room than this, and his is a mess

Sarah: You have a son?

Sorcerer: I have a son that I know of

Sarah: (grins evilly as if plotting) Know of, huh?

Lizzy: This is even messier than Sam's room. She's always had the messiest room I've ever seen. Well now Cole, you've taken over that ship.

Sam: Hey! I resent that

Sarah: Who are you kidding?

Sam: I don't know

Lizzy: yeah, so let's clean and torture now

Cole: I'll clean this room when Wendigos fly!

Elizabeth: how about _you _fly?

Piper: FUN!

Cole: I think I'll clean

Elizabeth: I knew you'd see it my way. Come now Benjamin Coleridge Turner Jr.

Cole: DON'T call me Jr.! I like Cole!

Elizabeth: We named the dog Cole.

Cole: Mommy!

Piper: You named your self after a dog?

Sam: Oh my god! (Points to Cole's closet) I think I just heard something move in there!

Cole: Oh it's probably just a rat.

Piper: JUST a rat?

Paige: ewe! (A demonic looking spider is now on her shoulder.) Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

Cole: Larry! My long lost spider pet. (Takes the spider) he can talk…in 7 different languages. He says 'Sono ha formatto' a lot, and then bites my finger.

Sam: That means 'feed me I'm hungry'. Do you even feed him? If he can talk to say that, then he's probably in need of food.

Cole: I've never fed him.

Sam: (Rolls her eyes)

Cole: Oh well. (Throws the spider) never liked him anyway.

Elizabeth: this is why you never had any pets. The dog was an exception because _I_ took care of it.

Cole: I didn't love the dog. He bit me. Love never works for me. It always bites me in the ass.

Person: (appears to the left of everyone) No wonder Phoebe was always depressed

(Everyone turns to see the person)

Sorcerer: oh bloody hell.

**A/N: we'll leave you to figure out who that is. Take a guess. Review, and tell us what you thought of the chapter. Thanks for reading!**

**-Whitelighterleo21, chrisfanatic3, phantom creedy lover-**


	7. I wish my life were a musical

**A/N: We don't own charmed. We also don't own Lost, Reign of Fire, The Rundown, Pirates of the Caribbean, Angel, Enchanted, Alice in wonderland, Legally Blonde, Rent, and other things we referenced. **

**So has anyone thought about who the mystery person from last chapter is? Well you'll find out very soon. **

**On to the chapter!**

_Cole: I didn't love the dog. He bit me. Love never works for me. It always bites me in the ass. _

_Person: (appears to the left of everyone.) No wonder Phoebe was always depressed. _

_(Everyone turns to see the person)_

_Sorcerer: oh bloody hell_

Piper: oh god.

Phoebe: (smiles) hey. .

Piper: Yeah, I haven't seen you at all.

Person: hello to all.

Piper: here we go again.

Sorcerer: Oh good, it's '_Robin Hood'_ again. Just what I need! This messy…habitat of Cole's…. and you…It's bad enough you defeated me… wait did I just admit that?

Person: Yes you did, and no I'm not Robin Hood. I'm Drake.

Sorcerer: I know that…I'm not stupid

Cole: Well you don't let on that you're not, that's for sure

Piper: I wouldn't talk buddy

Cole: I'm…I'm not even going to comment

Piper: getting smarter

Cole: that's rig…hey look a little baby rat…

Piper: and there we go…

Drake: (suddenly makes a bow and arrow appear, and shoots one at Cole. He is pinned to the wall of the demonic layer that is Cole's bedroom.)

Everyone: (looks at him)

Drake: Sorry, my fault.

Piper: (walks up to him looking really angry)

Drake: (shudders)

Piper: (grins, and pats him on the back) welcome to the group!

Sorcerer: god I need a drink. Give me a pint!

Person: Oh god, he's British

Phoebe: what the hell? Who's she?

Wyatt: She's our sister Melinda

Chris: WYATT! What did I say about future consequences?

Wyatt: screw it.

Chris: No, that's what goes through your mind when you want to blab future crap.

Paige: (turns to Melinda) Is he always this neurotic

Melinda: he really is….

Piper: Glad to know that only one of my kids is neurotic

Chris: hey!

Wyatt: yeah that's one of his flaws…leaning towards I'm the smarter one

Chris: for blabbing about the future? That's not smart, that's stupid

Wyatt: Might I remind you about that marble?

Chris: the DRAGON

Wyatt: the…

Melinda: YOU'RE BOTH STUPID!

Wyatt: hey

Melinda: Whom do you think you're kidding?

Piper: (rolls her eyes) I'm starving, so how about we go to Friendly's?

Lizzy: (singing) I wanna go to Friendly's!

Paige: wasn't that a commercial or something?

Lizzy: there's one rule to going to Friendly's…with me…he he he

Wyatt: dare I ask?

Melinda: do we know her?

Lizzy: I'm Chris' girlfriend.

Melinda: another one? Cause Bianc…

Piper: no she's actually cool.

Melinda: good cause I came this close (holds two fingers really close together) to shaving her head

Lizzy: not a bad idea.

Piper: any way…what is the rule Lizzy?

Lizzy: (smiles) …everyone has to go in costume

Everyone besides Sam and Sarah: WHAT?!

Sam: that's a given

Sarah: yeah, I barely know her, and I know that

Cole: yay costumes

Lizzy: go ahead, and get dressed. We don't have time to waste here. Here are my ideas…

(Fifteen minutes later everyone comes out dressed. Piper and Leo are Aphrodite and Ares, Sam is Super witch (Piper's costume in Witches in Tights), Lizzy is Elizabeth Turner, Big Chris is Will Turner, Sarah is the Joker, the Sorcerer is the Phantom of the Opera, Melinda is Christine, Wyatt is Superman, Phoebe is Mata Hari, Paige is the Evil Enchantress, Prue and Andy are Isis and Jeric, Little Wyatt is Peter Pan, Little Chris is Aladdin, and Cole is…an Elder! Except he has goofy robes, and looks really weird. Drake is Jafar. Some people decided to stay back, because they refused to dress up.)

Wyatt: Do I _have _to wear this? Why do _I _have to wear spandex?

Sarah: (gives Lizzy a high five) thanks for taking my idea. This is fun

Wyatt: This isn't my idea of fun

Lizzy: (sings) I'll be lucky if I get chicken pox, so happy you could come, so happy to be here, how I'd like to run, this is not my…this isn't my idea of fun

Sam: Oh yeah…the second part…she likes to break out in song…

Piper: Greeeeat

Lizzy: Come on, who doesn't want their life to be a Broadway musical?

Chris: can we just go already? We're gonna be late

Lizzy: (sings) We're late, we're late, for a very important date, no time to say hello, goodbye, we're late, we're late, we're late

Piper: this is gonna be a loooong afternoon.

(Leo orb them all back to the manor, and then get into Piper's car, and Piper drives to Friendly's.)

Piper: (to waitress) Table for sixteen

Waitress: about twenty minutes. I'll put your name on the list.

Lizzy: Is that my name up on that list? Does someone know that I exist? Is this a mistake? Am I even awake? Pinch me now to make sure…

Sarah: Okay (pinches her)

Lizzy: OWWW

Sarah: you said pinch you

Cole: yeah

Lizzy: (pinches him)

Cole: OWWW

Lizzy: you interrupted my song.

(Twenty minutes later, the waitress comes by and brings them to a table)

Waitress: Umm…interesting costumes…

Lizzy: thanks. It was my idea.

Waitress: may I take your orders? (She takes their orders and leaves)

Wyatt: (to Piper) Mommy I'm hungry

Piper: I know sweetie, but It's gonna be a while, so just hang tight, k?

Wyatt: Okay

Cole: You're hungry? (Reaches into his pocket and takes out something that looks like food, and hands it to Wyatt)

Wyatt: thanks (takes it)

Piper: Wyatt don't eat that! It's not kosher!

Cole: I was trying to be nice.

Piper: don't. You're too stupid to be nice

Cole: It is too kosher!

Wyatt: (throws the piece of food at Cole. It lands in his open mouth. He starts to cough)

Lizzy: While we wait, I have a fun game we can play

Cole: yay game

Everyone: Okay let's play. What is it?

Lizzy: Okay, it's called the hat game. The object of the game is to figure out the rules. I'll start. I have a hat, I give it to Chris, he gives it to Wyatt, Wyatt gives it to Piper, Piper gives it Drake, Drake gives it Sam. Who has the hat?

Piper: (snickers)

Cole: Er…Sam?

Lizzy: No, Piper does

Cole: How?

Lizzy: she stole it. Try it again. (Takes a deep breath) I have a hat. I give it to Wyatt, Wyatt gives it to Piper, Piper gives it to Phoebe, Phoebe gives it to Paige, Paige gives it to the Sorcerer. Who has the hat, Cole?

Sorcerer: Do you think it would be bad if I stole a French fry from the table next to us?

Cole: Piper?

Lizzy: No. I do.

Cole: I'M SO CONFUSED!

Melinda: What else is new

Piper: You know him? He lived long enough for you to know him?

Melinda: No we saw the video. He was killed eight months before I was born.

Piper: hehe. Not long now then. (Puts fingers together) hehe

Lizzy: lets try a different game. One that the intellectually challenged may be able to understand. It's called the Frog game. Each round, every frog has two eyes, four legs, one in a pond, and two kerplunks. So when you have two frogs, it's four eyes, eight legs, in a pond, in a pond, kerplunk, kerplunk, kerplunk, kerplunk. But everyone says one thing, and we go around the circle. So if I say one frog, Chris says two eyes, then Wyatt says four legs, and it keeps going around. We want to get to ten frogs. If someone messes up, then everyone has to start from one.

Leo: sounds fun enough.

(They try the game, but every time it gets to Cole, they have to start over.

Lizzy: (puts her head in her hands) why did I suggest this game?! (Breathes heavily) Cole you're out! Let's start over, and maybe without Cole we can get through this.

(They start and eventually get to ten frogs.)

Piper: see Cole? It was that easy.

Cole: says you.

Piper: (rolls her eyes)

(The food eventually comes, and everyone is given their food.)

Cole: (takes a bite of his food.) Hm…tastes like chicken.

Sorcerer: that's because it is.

Cole: Oh. I thought I ordered pig's feet.

Paige: poor piggy piggy.

(Suddenly a howler appears in front of Wyatt)

Howler: Wyatt where are you? Did you remember we had a date? I waited in the restaurant for two hours. Why didn't you call? If you had a demon hunt you could have called me or orbed me a note.

Sarah: Geez Wyatt you stood her up. You must not really like her than

Wyatt: Of course I do I love her.

Lizzy: How does she know?

Wyatt: What?

Lizzy: (singing)  
How does she know you love her?  
How does she know she's yours?

Wyatt: Don't sing

Melinda:  
How does she know that you love her?

Wyatt: She knows this song too?

Lizzy:  
How do you show her you love her?

Both:  
How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?

Wyatt: I've never heard this song

Melinda, Lizzy:  
How does she know that you love her?  
How do you show her you love her?  
How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?

Lizzy:  
It's not enough to take the one you love for granted  
You must remind her, or she'll be inclined to say...  
"How do I know he loves me?"

All:(How does she know that you love her?  
How do you show her you love her?)

Lizzy: "How do I know he's mine?"

All:(How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?)

Melinda:  
Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind?  
Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey? Heyy!  
He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday  
That's how you know, that's how you know!  
He's your love...

Sorcerer/Cole:  
You've got to show her you need her  
Don't treat her like a mind reader  
Each day do something to need her  
To believe you love her

Lizzy and Chris:  
Everybody wants to live happily ever after  
Everybody wants to know their true love is true...

Lizzy: How do you know he loves you?

All: (How does she know that you love her?  
How do you show her you need her?)

Lizzy: How do you know he's yours?

All: (How does she know that you really, really, truely-)

Lizzy and Chris: Well does he take you out dancin' just so he can hold you close?  
Dedicate a song with words in  
Just for you? Ohhh!

All:  
He'll find his own way to tell you  
With the little things he'll do  
That's how you know  
That's how you know!

Phoebe, Paige:  
He's your love  
He's your love...

That's how you know

All: (la la la la la la la la)

Phoebe, Paige: He loves you

All: (la la la la la la la la)

Phoebe, Paige: That's how you know

All: (la la la la la la la la)

Phoebe, Paige: It's true

All: (la la la la la)

Piper and Leo:

Because he'll wear your favorite color  
Just so he can match your eyes  
Rent a private picnic  
By the fires glow-oohh!

Prue and Andy His heart will be yours forever  
Something everyday will show  
Women: That's how you know  
Men:(That's how you know)  
Women: That's how you know  
Men: (That's how you know)  
Women: That's how you know  
Men: (That's how you know)  
Women: That's how you know  
Men: (That's how you know)  
Women: That's how you know  
Men: (That's how you know)  
Women: That's how you know  
Men: (That's how you know)  
All: That's how you know!

Drake:  
He's your love...

Sam,  
That's how she knows that you love her  
That's how you show her you love her

Lizzy:  
That's how you know...  
That's how you know...  
He's your love...

Sarah: (comes back from checking on the ice cream order. Looks at family a few rows behind) I don't know them. Seriously, I- (waitress who's pushing cart w/ food doesn't see her and ends up plowing her over) … DID YOU HEAR ME SAY I'VE BEEN DREAMING ?! NO! DAMN YOU ALL! (Walking away) At least I related to Marsden more than anyone, next thing you know some talking chipmunk's gonna show up next to me…

Zankou: (shows up, instead of being 2/3 pig he's now half chipmunk. He raises an eyebrow at her)

Sarah: You've gotta be shitting me… (looks at pencil) Hey, you wanna see a magic trick, too?

Sorcerer: she could've just plowed into you because your singing sucks

Sarah: I wasn't singing, genius

Sorcerer: Good, at least.

Sarah: grr…

Sorcerer: (To Cole): Yeah! Give me five!

Cole: (puts his hand up)

Sorcerer: No really. Give me five. (Grabs Cole's wallet from the table, and takes out a five)

Cole: why'd you do that?

Sorcerer: to accompany the lovely fifty in my back pocket.

Cole: (grumbles angrily)

Sorcerer: hey another form of torture. Everyone take money from Cole.

Everyone: Fun! (They take money from his wallet)

Cole: I'm broke. (Sees the last person taking money from him. It's a tall black haired man) Do I know you?

Man: No, but he said take money, so I did.

Cole: get lost

Sarah: (goes pale, looking at something behind him) Speaking of Lost.

James "Sawyer" Ford: (takes twenty dollar bill from Cole) Thanks, Muchacho. (walks away)

Sarah: …That was strange. Wait, what am I doing? SAWYER! (runs after him)

Sorcerer: Well she's gone for the day.

Sarah: (comes back with Sawyer by his ear) Not for long. (Leaves again)

Sorcerer: (hits Cole upside the head)

Cole: ( In an accent) What was that for?

Sorcerer: ( In accent) For bein' an idiot

Cole: ( In accent) Oh, Okay.

(It is time to go, and everyone is getting ready to leave)

Piper: that was a good dinner. Good food, Lizzy got the whole restaurant singing…

Sam: Typical.

(Demons shimmer in)

Demon 1: We shall kill you.

Demon 2: But how shall we kill them? I mean there's gotta be a way we can do this in a good way, like those dudes in Monty Python…

Piper: are you related to Gilbert and Sullivan?

Demon 2:I'm Alvin. Gilbert's cousin.

Demon 1: (Absentmindedly) I'm not related to anyone…I'm Brooks N. Dunn… no relation to the singers, of course

Sorcerer: (whispers) He may not be related but he's worse than the other two… combined!

Alvin: As we were saying we're gonna kill you. Are you gonna come quietly, or do you intend to resist?

Piper: Oh don't be so stupid. Of course we intend to resist. Give us a moment, all right?

(Everyone huddles. Demons just stand there waiting)

Sorcerer: are we gonna do what I think we're gonna do?

Piper: Kick their asses? Of course.

Sorcerer: good. Anyone have Sarah's pencil?

Piper: Pencil? We don't need no stinking pencils.

Everyone: (looks at her)

Piper: sorry, I was in the moment.

( They get out of the huddle.)

Piper: Now we are prepared to resist you.

Alvin: On guard. At the ready. And go.

Piper: what are we in a Disney movie?

Brooks: AHH (they go to fight them)

Cole: Hey, you ready to fight? (lifts left leg) Say hello to Mr. Thunder… Oh, what's this? (puts left leg down, puts right up) What about Thunder's pal Lightning?

Sarah: (in distance) IF YOU QUOTE TRAVIS AGAIN I'LL KILL YOU!

Sam: yay sarah!

Sarah: (returns w/ Sawyer) at your service

Sam: we're fighting these bozos. Ready?

Sawyer: I was born ready, sister. Now, I don't know who these bozos are, but beating the crap outta people happens to be my hobby. Hiya boys, I'm the sheriff in this town, and you better get used to it.

(More demons shimmer in with a magical dragon)

Sarah: (looks up at the dragon with gleaming eyes) Personally, I wanna slay the dragon

(They fight the demons)

Chris: ( with British accent) Elisabeth! Will you marry me?!

Lizzy: ( fighting a doofy looking demon.) ( With a British accent) I DON'T THINK NOW'S THE BEST TIME! AND YES

Chris: YEAH! (Drop kicks a demon in front of him)

Sarah: (a few feet away has somehow managed to defeat the dragon) THAT WAS FOR CREEDY, YOU BASTARD!

Random demon: She scares me. Let's get out of here. (All demons except Alvin and Brooks shimmer out)

Brooks: cowards. (Shrugs) Let's go Alvin.

Alvin: okay. Whatever you say boss. (They shimmer out.)

Sarah: you're welcome.

Chris: Okay, that was fun. Now what cha wanna do?

Wyatt: I dunno what do you wanna do?

Chris: I dunno what do you wanna do?

Piper: (Rolls her eyes) Will you two stop?

Wyatt: So what cha wanna do?

Chris: I dunno…Now don't start that again.

Lizzy: Let's go ouuut tonight! I have gooooo ouuut tonight. Wanna play? Let's run away. We won't be back before the very next daaay. Take me ooout tonight. Meow!

Chris: Let's go.

(Chris orbs him and Lizzy out.)

Wyatt: he talks about future consequences, and he doesn't worry about exposure?!

Piper: yeah and what about the normal life I want?!

Cole: at least she's gone. And I can take off these god-forsaken robes.

Everyone: Please don't.

Cole: fine.

**A/N: thanks for reading the chapter. Hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter will be out as soon as we write and type it. **

**-Whitelighterleo21, phantom creedy lover, and chrisfanatic3-**


	8. This Could Get Interesting

A/N: We don't own Charmed. Never will. If we did…well the show would still be running…and there'd be no Billie. We also don't own anything you notice, like Everybody Loves Raymond, and Red Vs. Blue, X-Men, etc.

( Everyone is walking into the manor after dinner)

Piper: Okay, so what's next?

Sam: I don't know. What were we doing before?

Sarah: torturing Cole. I was actually enjoying it.

Piper: yeah and then we went out to the restaurant and some how I got a soon to be daughter in law.

Leo: Oh come on, Lizzy isn't that bad. Would you rather Bianca?

Piper: I'll kill Bianca before she marries my son. My little boy. ( frowns and sobs a little) MY BABY BOY IS GETTING MARRIED!

Leo: calm down. It's not like Melinda's getting married.

Melinda: I'm not anywhere near that.

Leo: good

Melinda: yeah most guys are total jerks or total dweebs.

Piper: ( pats her on the shoulder) I couldn't agree more.

Leo: Yeah, and it's just future Chris. We still have baby Chris here.

Piper: You have a good point. Who needs future Chris anyway?

Leo: not what I was getting at, but okay.

( A couple of hours later, Chris and Lizzy return. Piper is sitting on the couch in her

pajamas)

Chris: maybe no one'll notice we came in

Lizzy: yeah-

Piper: ( comes out a dark shadow. Her eyes seem to be glowing)Where were you two?

Chris: ( jumps) um out.

Piper: for a really long time. Do you know how worried I was?

Chris: sorry

Piper: sorry doesn't cut it. Now march up to your room, mister.

Chris: but mom, I'm-

Piper: MARCH

( Phoebe and Paige come into the room in the middle of an argument.)

Phoebe: Come on I'm right. ( hits Paige like a little kid)

Paige: ( sees Lizzy) LIZZY! Phoebe hit me.

Phoebe: I so did not.

Paige: did too, they just saw you.

Phoebe: stop being such a baby.

Paige: I know you are but what am I?

Chris: what are you guys five? Are you serious?

Piper: Chris what did I tell you about your elders?

Chris: Piss them off, and screw with their plans as much as possible?

Piper: Not THE elders YOUR elders.

Chris: oh. ( hangs head) to respect them.

Piper: yes, now march your room and think about this. Not you Lizzy. You're okay.

Lizzy: hehe. As much as I love Chris, this is great.

( Fire flames and a demon appears)

Demon: NO THEY WONT GET ME! NO ( realizes where he is) ( whines) Oh not you guys again

Piper: hey Zankou.

Sam: ( walks into the room with Sarah) Don't you mean Zanky Poo?

Piper: that's better. God we are having the worst luck with demons.

Zankou: you're having bad luck? I got my hair singed today. Some good guy helped me get it back, thank the source.

Paige: at least we haven't been visited by the demon with no name.

( The green blob demon appears)

Piper: you had to jinx us, did you? ( grabs a toaster from the couch, and electrocutes it)

Sam: Um, why was there a toaster just sitting there…plugged in?

Piper: I always like to be prepared.

Lizzy: BE PREPARED!

Sarah: for the chance of a lifetime and sensational news?

Piper: okay, we're back from Friendly's you can cut that out now.

( Sarah sees Cole trying to sneak up on them)

Sarah: at least a _nice _bunny hasn't come

(The Man eating rabbit from Monty Python appears)

Cole: BUNNY! ( runs up to the bunny, and tries to pet it) Nice bunny. You're so pretty.

( the bunny attacks him) AHHHHHHHHHH

Sarah: sweet satisfaction.

Sam: I knew I always liked that bunny.

Prue: ( walks in) hey what's going on?

Piper: what else? We're beating Cole up.

Sam: Hey has anyone thought about how Prue got back?

Prue: well, maybe we shouldn't talk about that.

Piper: no I wanna hear.

Prue: The angel of death sent me back with this line " TAKE HER BACK. I DON'T WANT HER! SHE'S SUCH A NAG. TAKE HER! TAKE WITCHY POO!"

Piper: ( laughs)

Prue: I mean why would he call me witchy poo?

Sam: maybe he's watched a lot of Everybody loves Raymond?

Sarah: ( rolls her eyes)

Piper: lets go to bed. I'm tired.

Sam: yeah so am I.

Lizzy: you're always tired at this time

Sam: I'm an early sleeper a lot of times.

Lizzy: yeah, yeah.

( They all go up to bed.)

Sorcerer: ( comes into the room when they leave) hehe. Now's my chance. Dark Knight here I come.

Sarah: ( runs back into the room) Did you say Dark Knight?

Sorcerer:…yeah.

Sarah: well I'm watchin it with you.

Sorcerer: …okay.

( It's three a.m and everyone now is sleeping)

( The sorcerer leaves his room and is now sleep walking)

Sorcerer: Pencil trick.( snore) big cars. Two-Face. ( snore) Of course knives are better than guns you twit

Catherine: ( wakes up) I KNEW IT!

Sarah: ( comes out with Catherine to see whats going on) I think he's sleepwalking

Sorcerer: ( walks into a wall) Ow

Catherine: what would give you that idea?

Ms. Donovan: ( appears) HA! SERVES YOU RIGHT!

Sarah: ( pounces on her) You wanna wake him up or make him keep going so he hurts in the morning?

Ms. Donovan: is that a serious question?

Sarah: You don't get it. I mean the latter's better, isn't it?

: Oh, Right. Yeah, carry on

Sarah: ….Crackhead

Ms. Donovan: ( shrugs and walks away)

Sam: ( walks in, rubbing her eyes) What is everyone doing up?

Catherine: the Sorcerer here is having a spaz attack…

Sam: ( looks at Sorcerer) he looks like he's sleepwalking…why else would he be walking into a wall?

Sarah: exactly. Now, who's up for a midnight snack?

Sorcerer: ME! ( runs over to them)

Sarah: of course. He wakes up after hearing something about food.

Sorcerer: Just bring me to food.

( They walk to the kitchen, and see Piper, Phoebe, and Paige sitting at the table)

Phoebe: you guys couldn't sleep, too?

Sam: No the Sorcerer was sleep walking, woke us up, and then woke up himself when he heard we were going to get a midnight snack.

Piper: typical

Sorcerer: Hey! That is not FAIR! I'm a guy, and a guy's stomach is ALWAYS hungry. Ask any guy if hes hungry and he will tell you YES.

Piper: okay then. Feel free to make us all something, then.

Sorcerer: Okay! ( Suddenly a chef's hat appears on his head)

Sarah: (gawking) He really DOES look like Gordon Ramsey. (looks at the others) This is epic. EPIC, I TELL YOU!

Sorcerer: (shoves her away) Move. (goes to counter) What the bloody Hell should I make? Hmmm…

Sarah: And now he's acting like him… my day's been made. (sighs dreamily)

Sam: ( rolls her eyes, and sits down next to the sisters. Catherine and Sarah join her. The Sorcerer goes on cooking)

Phoebe: anything interesting to share?

Piper: I had this strange dream that a giant banana split sundae was going to eat me ,

Sarah: Oh, you wanna hear about weird dreams?

Catherine: We know. Russell Crowe's your uncle, Kid Rock and Colin Farrell follow you around, then there's the one with the Terminator and the shape shifting octopus and squid

that can't swim.

Sarah: Hey, it can happen! (receives strange looks) … The first one mentioned, assholes. You actually just proved you listened!

Sam: whatever…

Sarah: (shrugs and gets Dr. Pepper out of cabinet) Wait… the cabinet… WHAT IS THIS, XAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED?

( A guy who bears a striking resemblance to Wolverine walks in. Nobody reacts because it seems to be happening on a regular basis now)

Sarah: … … (pinches herself, nothing happens) … I'm gonna go bang my head against the wall 'til I get a concussion and wake up, now (leaves)

Wolverine-look-Alike: … Wrong Mansion…

Sarah: (from stairwell) WHAT?

(All hear crashing that sounds like something falling down the stairs)

Sarah: (mumbled) M' Okay… OW! … Kay, maybe not

Piper: hey sorcerer hows our midnight snack going?

Sorcerer: very good, thank you

Piper: don't burn anything down

Sarah: (Still outside of the room) I …FEEL… DIZZY!

Sam: I'm hungry…try…WAFFLES

Sorcerer: er, no. I have a wonderful recipe here.

Sarah: ( outside room still) I think I'm going to stop standing now…

(crash again)

Piper: Are we going to die from this cooking?

Sorcerer: don't worry I was a gourmet chef at some point…

Catherine: Yeah, whaever, just get me some food.

Sarah: ( STILL outside of room) I can't feel my torso!

( Few minutes pass by)

Sorcerer: Voila! Food is ready. Sorry its liquidy, but…

Piper: If we die…its because of you.

Sarah: (Still unattended to) I'm still laying here quoting Caboose so Catherine can catch the hint. Why isn't anyone helping me?

Sorcerer: Just drink it. ( Gives each of them a glass of his " food/drink")

( Everyone 'eats' it)

Piper: I feel strange.

Catherine: ooooh glowy lights!….wait should we get Sarah?

Sarah: My body… is trying to die!

Catherine: I take that as a yes ( Goes out of room, and comes back in dragging a half conscious Sarah behind her)

Paige: ( not even paying attention to almost dead Sarah) Should we be concerned about those lights?

Phoebe: I think, maybe, because…they look like they're heading towards us.

Sorcerer: ( Looking at sheet of paper) Er…guys…I think I royally screwed up…that er…midnight snack…was from a paper with a power switching potion recipe on it…

Piper: Why would you do that?

Sorcerer: I didn't look at the top…and it looked easy, cause…er…I'm not really a chef…I've burned water before.

Piper: GREAT! Just great

Sarah: STILL dying over here.

Piper: shush it, will ya?

Sarah: ( falls into a heap on the floor)

Sam: ( goes over and pokes her) she's DEAD!

Lizzy: ( walks into the room) What is all this racket?

( Lights zoom over to them, and go into each girl)

Piper: What the HELL was that?

Sarah: ( stands up) I'm not dead yet!

Piper: Can we escape the Monty Python and find out what's going on?

Sarah: How should I know? (shrugs, only to stop in mid shrug, and lights start to glow around her) What's this, the Turn-into-a-Cullen sp- (disappears in lights, only to reappear next to Phoebe) …Did I just orb?

Sam: what can I do? ( tries to levitate. Nothing happens) Thank god. Hey, that leaves ( flicks her fingers and a nearby plant blows up) YES! And I got the plant too! Ha Leo!

Piper: Wait…( flicks her fingers, and blows up the remaining pieces of plant) I have my powers, too. This is weird.

Lizzy: Am I involved in this? ( Leans close to Chris. Suddenly gasps)

Sam: What's happening?

Lizzy: ( snaps out of trance she was in) I just felt Chris's emotions. (whispers to Chris) Later, maybe we can even find some toys.

Piper: About?

Lizzy: Never mind

Sam: Strange

Lizzy: This means I got PHOEBE's powers. Of anything I'd want Piper's powers. I always flick my fingers like her when I get annoyed…

Sam: Well, I got them. Phoebe's powers are cool, too, anyway.

Lizzy: ( pouts) But I wanted to blow crap up

Sam: : maybe it's a good thing you didn't get them

Lizzy: Fine go over there if you don't wanna get hit when I try to levitate(Gestures with hand and Sam's thrown across the room)

Piper: I thought you got Phoebe's powers

Lizzy: I thought I did

Sam: (gets up) what happened? (puts hand on wall and gets a premonition) hey I just had a premonition of Lizzy throwing me across the room.

Lizzy: ait if you have Phoebe's powers too and I have telekinesis then that must mean that I have Prue's powers, you have Piper's, Sarah has Paige's and e all split Phoebe's which means Sarah sould be able to levitate since I have empathy and you have premonition. I wonder if we have any other powers.

Catherine: ( starts snapping her fingers, and sparks start to fly out of them. Looks at her fingers and grins). This could get interesting…

**A/N: Cliff hangers are fun, aren't they? Review, and an update will be up as soon as we can.**

**- Phantom, Sapphire, and Chrisfanatic- **


	9. Of Ice Cream and Portals

A/N: We don't own Charmed. Never will. If we did…well the show would still be running…and there'd be no Billie. We also don't own anything you notice

_**Last Time**_

_Lizzy: This means I got PHOEBE's powers. Of anything I'd want Piper's powers. I always flick my fingers like her when I get annoyed…_

_Sam: Well, I got them. Phoebe's powers are cool, too, anyway._

_Lizzy: ( pouts) But I wanted to blow crap up_

_Sam: : maybe it's a good thing you didn't get them_

_Lizzy: Fine go over there if you don't wanna get hit when I try to levitate(Gestures with hand and Sam's thrown across the room)_

_Piper: I thought you got Phoebe's powers_

_Lizzy: I thought I did_

_Sam: (gets up) what happened? (puts hand on wall and gets a premonition) hey I just had a premonition of Lizzy throwing me across the room._

_Lizzy: ait if you have Phoebe's powers too and I have telekinesis then that must mean that I have Prue's powers, you have Piper's, Sarah has Paige's and e all split Phoebe's which means Sarah sould be able to levitate since I have empathy and you have premonition. I wonder if we have any other powers._

_Catherine: ( starts snapping her fingers, and sparks start to fly out of them. Looks at her fingers and grins). This could get interesting…_

Sarah: (picks up pillow that is part on fire. The part that is on fire is facing up. ) Catherine…with control over fire…DOES NOT WORK OUT!

Phoebe: (walks over and starts blowing on it)

Sarah: DEMENTED STUPID BITCH! OXYGEN MAKES IT _WORSE! _Didn't you learn that in _elementary _school?

Phoebe: yeah…

Sarah: (Face palms and then turns to Leo) Leo? Could you get some water?

Leo: Why am _I _always the one to get the water? (Turns towards path to kitchen) I'll be right back.

(Demon appears)

Piper: What are we the house of random appearing people?

Sarah: Duh…I'm going to walk away before I blow. ( walks away)

Demon: (In a nasally, kind of fake voice) I am Zorcon ruler of…

Piper: (cuts him off) who is also gay…wait…Sullivan?

Demon: (morphs) damn how'd you _know_?

Gilbert: (shimmers in eating ice cream): Toldja they'd know dude

Paige: It could be because of the voice

Piper: (grins) And I kinda got the clue from the fact that your pants are half down, and your tidy whites say "Sullivan" on them. Geez dude, invest in a pair of boxers… and pull up your pants!

Sullivan: I happen to find them more comfy.

Piper: what kind of demon says the word "comfy"?

Sullivan: a demon who likes to be comfy

Piper: you are way beyond repair dude.

Sullivan: that hurts…and don't call me dude.

Piper: yeah? And what are you going to do if I do?

Sullivan: I'll…I'll

Paige: sing and dance?

Lizzy: OKLAHOMA!

(Sarah walks into living room, holding a Hershey bar. She munches on it, puts it down, and snaps her fingers again. An iced tea appears in free hand) Oh Hell yes, I could get used to this. (grins)  
Phoebe: What's up with the whole snapping and getting something you want thing? We've never come across that.  
Sorcerer: (shrugs) guess it depends on who's here. I've seen it. My twin brother's brother knows a guy who knows my twin who knows a guy who knows a guy can do that.  
Phoebe: (slowly does the math in her head) wouldn't your twin brother's brother be your brother? And if it's your twin who knows the guy then why so many 'knows a guy.' It's kinda redundant, dontcha think?  
Sorcerer: Clearly you've never been to Singapore.  
Phoebe: (blinks twice)  
Sorcerer: Anyway, yes, my twin brother, Balthazar- not him (glares at Cole) I mean the Balthazar from another universe- the real powerful one with fangirls. Not the Darth Maul ripoff. His brother Billy- I mean Dr. Horrible-  
Sarah: (spits out iced tea) WHAT?  
Sorcerer: (pays no mind to her) His brother's twice removed from the family of the guy who's powers she got. I can find out who's they are, if you'd like.  
Sarah: Huh? Oh, no. I know perfectly well whose powers these are. So... are you seriously related to Dr. Horrible?  
Sorcerer: (nods) Mm hm. strangest thing. We all have those relatives. I have Dr. Horrible and the real Balthazar, Cole has Dr. Doom, Drake has that strange deranged man who keeps muttering about wanting to kill Leo Diwhatits on a sinking ship... (Sees he's being stared at, chuckles) All in good fun, I assure you. You see, our twin brothers chose Hollywood. Pansies if you ask me.

Leo: My twin brother isn't in Hollywood.

Piper: You have a twin brother? How come I never knew?

Leo: well, my brother isn't exactly good. Tito's…a darklighter.

Cole: and they say my family is messed up… And what are you talking about the real Balthazar? I'm the real Balthazar, and we're not twins.

Sorcy: (sighs dramatically and puts his arm over Cole's shoulder) We need to talk, my boy. (Leads him away) There are other Balthazars in different universes. You should know that with all the universe-hopping you did last Summer vacation. My brother is Balthazar in the universe around that second star to the left. (Points to the sky, at one of the few visible stars)

Lizzy: (twitch)

Sorcy: And he has more fans… and he's just better. Not just a Darth Maul ripoff.

Darth Maul: (pops up) OWNED!

Gilbert: (jumps a mile into the air and screams like a little girl, and launches himself into Sullivan's arms.)

Sullivan: … (drops him) Not even if we were gay and it was our wedding day, pal.

Sarah: (debates on which item to comment on. Chooses Maul's appearance)… … … where are all these people coming from? (Pulls out paper where bunch of names are written. She writes Maul down) Wait a second… Alternate Universe Balthazar… Sorcerer's twin- OH MY GOD.

Sorcerer: Ah, good. One of you know him.

Sarah… How do you get to this universe of which you speak?

Sorcerer: Why do you wanna know?

Sarah: Tell me. NOW.

Sorcerer: The same way everyone else has. The portal that's in the backyard.

Everyone else: What? (run outside to several shiny balls of light surrounded by what looks like shattered glass)

Sarah: Oh my God. It's an anomaly. IT'S A FREAKIN ANOMALY!

Everyone: Huh?

Sarah: A portal in time connecting two times… I guess it's connecting universes in this case, instead.

Everyone: … … …

Sarah: … Balls of timey wimey… stuff, just in this case, it's a buncha … unversey worsey stuff.

Everyone: Ooooh.

Sarah: At least, I hope I'm right. Let me test out my theory. If I start screaming, get me the hell outta here, because I'm about to get eaten by a dinosaur.

Sorcerer: No need. We can just guess. My little brother said he's stop by at 1:30, which is in… … 10, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2….

(One of the portals glow, and Dr. Horrible comes out of it)

Dr. Horrible: Hey, bro!

Sarah: (sees he's holding some giant gun-like contraption. She screams and ducks out of instinct)

Dr. Horrible: … What's wrong with her?

Sorcerer: A lot. So, tell me. How's my application for the Evil League of Evil going?

Piper: Evil league of evil? Are you kidding me?

Cole: Who cares? I want my brother to come, now. It's totally not fair he gets one and I don't.

Sarah: (satisfied that Dr. Horrible is off with the Sorcerer, she gets up) Those things act on random. That was just luck that Billy-er, Doctor Horrible showed up. It's not like you can just snap your fingers and have him come out of the anomaly (snaps her fingers and Dr. Doom stumbles out of one of the portals) … And now I know whose powers I got… I think I just doomed the world, just sayin'.

Cole: (excited) Vic!

Doctor Doom: Oh, no. Not you! (Runs back through portal)

Sarah: Okay, maybe not.

(Doctor Doom returns with a bunch of henchman and several other villains emerge from the portals, looking ready to hurt everyone)

Sarah:… (looks at everyone) … Sorry.

**A/N: Review, and an update will be up as soon as we can.**

**- Phantom, Sapphire, and Chrisfanatic- **


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